How To Use Your Feminine Wiles

Last weekend, I went to see a friend’s college performance of the Count in “The Marriage of Figaro.” He was absolutely lovely even as his character was a booby-touching, wife-abandoning, serial cheater with jealousy issues. That’s what makes it funny that his big song is about the wily and seductive ways of women. But there is something to that — we do have some mystical lady power. This is how you can employ your feminine wiles without any of this nonsense about breasty clothes, expensive hair, or even sex itself …

  1. Be interesting, confident, and passionate. People blur together, and you can’t blur with them. Maybe you’re the chick with pink hair in love with Sid & Nancy, or you live for the theater. What you love doesn’t matter so much as doing it well.
  2. Be a little bawdy. A raunchy joke can go a long way. Esquire devotes a whole section of their magazine to beautiful women telling dirty jokes, because men (some men, anyway) really enjoy this. It’s a little surprising, and a lot of fun. It brings up the idea and possibility of sex — that eternal motivator.
  3. Always be as smart as you are. Nothing is better than some sexy repartee for keeping you both on your toes.
  4. Have fun ideas. Why go out to the bar for the umpteenth time if you can create something new? Be the person who throws the candlelit picnic on the floor with blankets, throw pillows, and cheap champagne.
  5. Be decisive and specific. No one will ever know what it is you actually want, crave, or need if it isn’t articulated. Always letting the dude decide doesn’t make him feel like the man, but it does put him on the spot in a stressful way. Will he decide incorrectly? What if you don’t like it? Skip the stress and explain away.
  6. Flirt a little bit. Always, always. Life is more pleasant with laughs and light touches.
  7. Never, ever sleep with him. At least, not to hang onto the mystique of possibility. … Oh whatever, sleep with him!

What do you think makes the ways of women so seductive?