How Not To Sext, Starring Tiger Woods And Jaimee Grubbs

Because Us Weekly loves you (or maybe because it hates you), this week’s issue includes a selection of the text messages sent back-and-forth between Tiger Woods and Jaimee Grubbs in the past six months. While “I will wear you out” remains the poetic apex of the interaction, there are quite a few doozies in there. After the jump, the words that take the “sexy” out of “sexting,” plus the rules they didn’t follow that you should.

  1. Even in texts, grammar counts. Learn the difference between ‘their’ and ‘there.’ Also, run-on sentences just aren’t hot. Punctuate!

    Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a friend with a present for there birthday

    Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

  2. Never follow a sweet thought with something crass.

    Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together

    Tiger: when was the last time you got laid

  3. Save the bizarro race talk for another time.

    Jaimee: i only watch football

    Tiger: figured you would say that. Big black guys

    Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! You should feel special

    Tiger: i’m bone thugs in harmony

  4. If you don’t want to get caught, don’t sext in the first place.

    Tiger: don’t text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now

  5. Don’t overdose on emoticons.

    Jaimee: i apprecaite u not wanting to wake me up but if u couldn’t sleep I would rather have sat up and talked to u more…find out why I keep falling more and more for you ; )

    Tiger: because I’m blasian : )

    Jaimee: come back : (

What’s your favorite line?