Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Jessica Alba And Mario Lopez? Brad Pitt’s Baby Help For Jennifer Aniston?

It’s hump day again and since it’s the holiday season, we wish goodwill towards men. Except when those men go around shtupping a dozen ladies on the side, breaking hearts, and impregnating uteruses. And just so we always know who the bad guys are, we scrounge up all the totally, kinda true rumors about everyone and lay it out for your amusement, one tabloid at a time. These are the days of our lives, people.

  • Like every other tabloid, OK! did a Tiger Woods cover story. But, surprise, they went for Rachel Uchitel’s side of the story with the headline, “I’m Not a Homewrecker.” She talks about how her job as a VIP hostess/nightclub promoter doesn’t involve sex but “getting the DJ to play what they want, getting them french fries from McDonald’s.” She didn’t address the Tiger situation at all and talked about how much she liked the “Twilight” series instead. Huh?
  • OK! also got a woman named Amy Laurent, who owns a matchmaking company, to tell us why men cheat. According to Laurent, Jon Gosselin cheated because “his notoriety has obviously gone to his head,” and Bill Clinton cheat because, “High-powered people think normal morals don’t apply to them.” Hugh Grant slept with a nast hooker because, “Men seek prostitutes for the thrill.” In other news, duh.
  • Apparently, while Tiger was getting chased with a golf club, Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift were having the “Most Romantic Week Ever!” Even though OK! didn’t actually tell us about their week, they announced that they have gone public with their romance and, according to a friend (a teenage girl presumably), “They’re the new Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron, but they have the same first name—the cuteness factor is through the roof.” Really? The tab also commends the couple on their lack of drama and the fact that their careers are exploding simultaneously and balance each other. [OK!]

  • In Us Weekly’s Tiger Woods cover story delves into “What His Wife Knew.” Apparently, Elin Woods has already bought a $2.15 million house on its own island in Sweden. An insider divulged that the couple is in “serious counseling” and that it’s really about “Tiger just apologizing over and over until she’s satisfied he’s genuinely sorry.” But apparently, Elin has been planning to get out of the marriage since September, when she bought the aforementioned house. Elin’s parents are pissed and 72 percent of Us Weekly’s online readers believe she should leave Tiger. Sounds like she already has the means and the cojones!
  • Apparently, during this Tiger-swamped news week, Alexa Ray Joel, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley’s daughter (who managed to look nothing like momma but is still pretty), has been hospitalized for popping pills after a bad breakup. The pills were Traumeel, which is a homeopathic medicine for muscle pain. She told police, “Took pills. Want to die.” Brinkley ran to her bedside while Joel called her because he wanted to “avoid a media frenzy,” according to Us Weekly. They would know, I guess. The 23-year-old singer is currently hanging with dad at an undisclosed location, but I’m sure the tabloids will disclose it soon enough.
  • Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are “Suddenly Serious” and celebrated Britney’s 28th birthday quietly, spending the night before at the Chateau Marmont and shopping at Fred Segal on her b-day, December 2nd. During the holiday season, Britney is going to meet Justin’s parents on Long Island and spend Christmas Day opening presents in Calabasas with her boys and Jason. According to an insider, “The whole Spears clan trusts him, He is great friends with [Spears’ brother] Bryan, so everyone got close to him before he dated Britney.” Damn, sounds like Britney has got it figured out. Finally! [Us Weekly]

  • In the National Enquirer’s Tiger cover story, they take it further (of course) to reveal his “sex tape and love children.” Although there are no reported babies, a source tells the mag that he had “wild unprotected sex with a string of mistresses, and now he fears claims that his out-of-control love life may have produced children.” And one affair was with a British TV personality who is pregnant … maybe with his baby? And since he’s had sex in hotels and his Florida mansion, both of which sport security cameras, some of his love-making may have been inadvertently taped and he’s waiting for his indiscretions to come back and haunt him. Way to go, Tiger. Jeez. Wrap it up, people!
  • In other ugh men news, John Edwards has apparently tossed his mistress out on the street after she asked for almost $18,000 a month in child support. Edwards apparently thought that buying a house would keep Rielle Hunter happy, but when she asked for more financial support, he wouldn’t let her move into the house and she found her own place to live. Hunter’s financial demands include hair care, a security guard, and $800 a month to eat in restaurants. According to Enquirer John was about to go public, admitting he was the father, but the tabloid went ahead and offered the document proof for us anyway. On a side note, their daughter Frances is super cute.
  • In happy gay news, Meredith Baxter, the mom from “Family Ties” (I love you Alex P. Keaton!) has come out of the closet and plans to marry her girlfriend of four years, Nancy Locke. The women plan to marry in Canada or Massachusetts and spend a lot of time at the beach in Malibu, specifically at what the gay community calls “Ginger Rogers Beach,” a homosexual hot-spot. Baxter has been married to three men and has five children. When she was filming on a lesbian Caribbean cruise for a lesbian-themed web series called “We Have to Stop Now,” she decided to come out in hopes that it will encourage others. She said, “This is a political act, even though that’s not what it feels like to me. If anyone knows someone who’s gay or lesbian, they’re less likely to vote against them to take away their rights. I can be that lesbian you know now.” Aww, go Meredith! [The National Enquirer]

  • People caught up with Sonny Bono and Cher’s newly gender-reassigned offspring, Chaz Bono, who is starting to find peace as a man. He says living as a man has been “awesome” and is so happy to help other transgendered people. He said, “Somebody who had just started testosterone recently came up to me. He said watching me come out about this really helped him finally get started.” The four-to-five-year sex-reassignment process reportedly simulated a rebirth to Bono and the testosterone has not only helped him to gain muscles but had allowed him to be more assertive. Well, that sounds pretty awesome.
  • People gifted us with a pictorial documentation of Sophia Loren’s life. The 75-year-old actress is still unfairly gorgeous but says, “I don’t believe in getting work done, because then everybody looks the same. I should exercise more. Lose a couple of kilos.” From where? Loren talks about turning down a marriage proposal from Cary Grant. “I couldn’t leave my family in Italy,” she says. She also dishes about her marriage to producer Carlo Ponti, who died three years ago
  • In maybe disappointing news, Jennifer Aniston will reportedly no longer be dating immature boys, according to a source. She is in a more positive place thanks to her yoga instructor who recently released a “Yogalosophy” DVD. According to Aniston, “It’s yoga, it’s fitness, it’s positive thinking.” Insightful. The source says that Jennifer is fating and this time, “She’s ready for an older, responsible man.” Wouldn’t it have been more concise to just say she’s not going back to John Mayer? [People]

  • In a refreshingly un-Woodsy cover, Star reported that Jennifer Aniston is going to finally get that baby she reportedly wants “With Brad’s Help.” But that makes it sound much more exciting than it should. Brad Pitt is doling out advice to Jen because she plans on adopting a Mexican baby. With Brad’s support, Jen has the courage to go through with it. He reportedly told her, “You’ll be an amazing mother. I’ve always believed that.” Jen has already fallen for a little boy at Casa Hogar Sion orphanage in Tijuana, where she and Brad have both donated money. Jen plans on getting the baby home by next summer and has been decorating a nursery in her mansion with a forest mural and furniture. A source says, “No one has ever seen her this excited before.” Of course, Angelina Jolie is livid.
  • Amy Adams and her fiancé, Darren Le Gallo, might be expecting a baby. Amy recently told Allure that she feels bad about not planning a wedding yet. “I’ve been really busy, and I feel like a horrible fiancée that I haven’t gotten swept up in the whole idea of a wedding,” she says. “He understands I’m busy, but he’s ready. He’s much more ready for kids and stuff than I am.” Apparently, she’s made some time now though and, according to a source, “… has told all her friends that this is the best thing that could have happened to her. She’s always put off having kids to take film roles. Now she’s thrilled to become a mom and a wife.”
  • Jessica Alba is maybe still furious with Cash Warren over his alleged canoodling with Miss Lindsay Lohan. According to Star, the couple now sleeps in separate beds and while Cash got flirty with Lilo, Jessica has been leaning on Mario Lopez for help. There have reportedly been issues since Cash cheated on Alba a year before their wedding and now Alba is reportedly partying more than ever, drinking with the girls. According to a friend, “Jessica says she thinks Mario is a great guy and so easy to talk to … I’m not sure how they met or how long they’ve been friends, but let’s just say she definitely finds him sexy.” Dun, dun, dun! [Star]