Who Should Tiger Woods Have An Illicit Affair With Next?

I’m just gonna say it. Elin Nordegren needs to pack up her crap — oh wait, she already did that — move out of the house she shares with Tiger Woods and not take a penny of his “please stay with me, baby” money. She can get what she is owed for being a loyal, devoted wife to the philandering golfer when she takes him to divorce court. With nine — nine!!! — alleged mistresses now semi-accounted for, Tiger seems more focused on beating Wilt Chamberlain’s record for infidelity than he is on improving his golf game. I don’t foresee how it’s possible for Nordegren to ever trust her husband again, and raising children in a house where the trust is gone is no good for the kiddies, amiright? We already suggested some possible rebounds for Elin, should she take my advice and get the hell out of the Tiger Cage, but what about Woods? He must be itching to tap some hot cocktail waitress ass right about now. As poor taste is my forte and Tiger has clearly identified his, uh, “type,” here are eight women I can see Tiger playing put-put with.

  1. Trishelle Canatella: Best known for being one-third of the famous hot tub threesome on “The Real World: Las Vegas,” Trishelle has seriously made the rounds in Hollywood, dating many, many D-list douchebags. I’m sure she’s ready to up the ante with a successful billionaire, and her long blonde hair and marginal talent are totally the Tig’s style.
  2. Kim Zolciak: The real housewife famously dated (and was engaged to) a married man, so I’m sure she won’t mind Tiger having a few extra women in his khaki pocket at the same time.
  3. Sarah Larson: This Vegas cocktail waitress knows how to be discrete whilst dating an A-list celeb — doing so got her an invite to the Oscars with then-boyfriend George Clooney. Even though they broke up, she still hasn’t spilled the beans on any of his dirty secrets. Tiger is sure to appreciate the discretion.
  4. Aubrey O’Day: She hasn’t been up to much since leaving Danity Kane and ending her run on Broadway, which means she has plenty of time to come when Tiger calls.
  5. Shanna Moakler: Her split with Travis Barker was all over the tabloids, so she knows what it feels like to have your privacy violated by the mean, evil, nosy press.
  6. Jayde Nicole: Brody Jenner’s ex (they’re still over, right?) loves dudes with bright white smiles and some green in the bank. As a Playboy Playmate she has that generic, big-boobed look that Tiger loves so much.
  7. Lindsay Lohan: Uh. Why not?
  8. Denise Richards: Charlie Sheen and his ex went through a bitter divorce, but have managed to make peace and raise their daughters together, but separate, without discord. Maybe Denise could advise Tiger on how to do this — while convincing E! to revive her awesomely bad reality show at the same time.