Most Parents Suck At Talking About The Birds And The Bees

Maybe you have kids and are already dreading having to talk to them about sex. Or maybe you’re still trying to recover from that super uncomfortable conversation with your own parents. Seriously, is there any way the experience cannot be traumatic for all parties involved? A new study proves what we always knew about our parents; they suck at talking about the birds and bees. The sad stats say that more than 40 percent of teens surveyed in the study had already started doing it before their sheepish parents broached the issue. Forty-two percent of girls reported that they had not discussed birth control and 40 percent admitted they had not talked with their parents about how to refuse sex. And about 70 percent of boys said they had not discussed how to use a condom. OK, that’s scary bad. No wonder teen pregnancies and STDs are increasing at an alarming rate. [Time]

After the jump, some ladies share their “sex talk stories.” Here’s hoping that we can do a waaay better job than our parents.

My parents gave me “The Woman’s Body” book when I was 12, which basically told me everything I needed to know. I used it to diddle myself, natch. Frankly, I was so obviously not even close to having sex because I never had boyfriends and my parents’ openness about sex meant I could always ask questions. So I don’t think they ever sat me down for the official BIG Talk. However, I did get a big ol’ education on “what someone having an orgasm sounds like” when I woke up to my mom’s moaning when I was 12 and, thinking she was incredibly sick, went running into the room and saw her riding my dad. SICK. The next morning my dad joked, “So, I guess you saw your mother and I making the beast with two backs last night” and I completely wanted to die.

My mother told me how babies were made when I was six or seven, but with the adamant stipulation that it ONLY happened when a man and woman loved each other very much and were married first. Somehow I was also left with the impression that the baby would be delivered via my belly button. After finding my birth control pills when I was 17, my mom called me a “slut” every time we had a fight. Sigh. My mom also told me about periods with such gruesome detail that I seriously think my cervix sealed itself shut for years. I didn’t get mine until I was 16! From age 11 on, she was threatening to take me to the gyno to see what the problem was. Heartwarming, eh?

My parents never talked to me about sex per se; however they did start reading Where Did I Come From? to me when I was two. I was the only kid in pre-school who knew what sex was. I still don’t understand why my parents were surprised when I was playing doctor with all the little boys and girls at school. They took me to a therapist who used puppets. Then I just started humping everything in sight. Go figure. By the time I actually started having sex in high school—I was one of the last of my friends, and knew the drill.

My parents had the sex talk with me when I was 16, about six months into when I started dating my first serious boyfriend. Actually, I should say my mom—my dad wasn’t involved, which I think was good because it would have taken it to a whole ‘nother awkward level. She was right, I was starting to think about having sex. Her talk was very focused on protection and STDs, which is good, but I guess it just felt very … clinical. I’m not sure what she should have done differently—maybe I would share the story of losing my own virginity? Or make it clear that dudes put the pressure on thick when they’re teens and that you need to make decisions based on you?

The only sex talk I had was my mom yelling at me “You’re too young to be having sex!” when I asked her to make a gynecologist appointment at age 16 so I could go on the pill. Luckily, my father is far more reasonable.

My mom always told me about safe sex and even had me reciting, “Sorry Charlie, no ticky no laundry,” before I completely understood the analogy. I guess I was about eight or nine. [Is it weird that I don’t understand that analogy? Someone help me. — Editor]

How about you? How did your parents tell you about the birds and the bees? Please share if you dare.