• Relationships

9 Inexcusable Excuses For Breaking Up

Many times when a relationship ends, the reason for the split is quite simple: One or both of the people involved in the romance simply aren’t into it anymore. In a perfect world, that’s all that someone would have to say. Unfortunately, humans aren’t perfect, and sometimes relationships end for dumb and/or ridiculous reasons. Men and women often look for really dumb ways to avoid commitment, sometimes with pathetic results. Here are a few common (but stupid) reasons that a guy might decide to break up with you, as well as some of the ridiculous reasons that some women choose to end a flailing relationship.MEN

1. He “needs time apart.” This line has been used since relationships first existed as a great way to break up without hurting the other person. The only trouble is that it’s common enough that everyone knows what it means–the guy’s not interested anymore.

“Need time apart” never really means “we’ll get back together.” When two people are into each other, they don’t need time apart. Some amount of alone time is always good, but no committed relationship involves staying away from one another for weeks at a time.

2. Things are getting too serious. Guys have a well-documented fear of commitment. This stems from our origins as ape-creatures, where commitment would bog down the family unit and cause everyone in a tribe to get eaten by goats (according to Wikipedia). The real idiocy is that women often aren’t asking for commitment, but guys will still start to feel like they’re limiting their potential by being in a relationship — this is all shorthand for “men like to sleep with as many people as possible.”

Commitment in and of itself isn’t a reason to end a relationship; it’s a spur that causes a guy to realize that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Claiming that “things are getting too serious” is a big cop-out.

3. Things aren’t moving fast enough. Some guys decide to break up when a relationship isn’t moving fast enough. Usually, they mean physically — there’s not enough going on to keep them interested. In other words, these guys are asses.

Sometimes, a guy will claim that things aren’t “moving” if they don’t feel affection coming from their girlfriends. They’re forecasting the end of the relationship, and they want to be the one to initiate it, because guys know that women can sense the stench of defeat on guys who get dumped. They’re hedging their bets.

4. You don’t like his friends/They don’t like you. Guys bring their friends into a breakup discussion when they’ve got the emotional aptitude of a 5-year-old. If the only problem is that you don’t get along with his friends, he could just only hang out with one of you at a time. He’s calling you bitchy, and using his friends to say it passive-aggressively.

5. Various minor, escalating arguments. When a guy wants to break up, and he’s not able to come up with a reason he likes, he’ll do the next best thing: He’ll use any excuse at all to get the hell out. You’ll find yourself yelling with him about ketchup, because he’ll push the argument to that point.

Guys are mostly good, but this is one of our bad points; when we feel cornered, we attack everything, and we’ll avoid the real reason for a breakup by surrounding ourselves with minor details that we can use to ease the decision to end things. It’s neurotic, and it’s awkward, yes, but hey, it beats the truth, right?

Well, it’s easier anyways.

WOMEN

1. The way he eats. This one’s remarkably common–guys with bad table manners who eat messily can be a turn-off, understandably. That’s no reason to break up with them, though. As David Byrne (that dude who kept chopping his arm in the video for the Talking Heads’ “Once In A Lifetime”) once said, table manners are for people with nothing better to do.

If a guy’s being absolutely disgusting, tell him to knock it off. If not, lighten up and stop worrying about how a guy spends 30 minutes of his day.

2. The way a guy dresses. Of all of the things to break up with someone for, this one might make the least sense, because it might be the single easiest thing to change about a guy. If you replace a guy’s wardrobe with classier clothes, he’ll wear them. If you tell him to buy new clothes, he probably will.

Guys generally don’t spend a lot of time thinking about clothes, and you can use their apathy to your complete advantage. Breaking up with a guy because of his style either means that you’re shallow or you’re looking for an excuse to end things.

3. How a guy spends his money. Some of my female friends admit to splitting with a guy because he wasn’t careful with his money, or spent it unwisely. One was quite obviously angry that the guy wasn’t spending his money on her.

Regardless, it’s silly to expect a guy to have wise spending habits or even to care about how his money is spent — hey, it’s his money. Whether a guy is stingy, generous, or downright dumb with money, it shouldn’t get in the way of a relationship, and it’s another very minor thing that some women expand and focus on until they inevitably break up with the guy.

4. Ultimatums. The worst move you can make with a guy is to an issue an ultimatum. They cause incredible pressure and permanently damage the relationship. Any sort of ultimatum will do; telling a guy that you’ll leave if he doesn’t start doing the dishes, or that you’ll leave if he doesn’t start spending more time with you.

Ultimatums make guys think that a relationship is on its last legs anyway, and they’ll start looking for a way out or focusing on your flaws. Relationships will end fast, and they’ll end in a fiery train wreck–not good for anybody. Plus, the act of issuing the ultimatum is often fairly self-centered.

I certainly hope that I’m not implying that all women break up with guys for one of the reasons on this list, or that all women break up with guys for silly reasons.

If you’re looking for a reason to end a relationship, though, and you feel strongly about it, you simply don’t need a big, grand reason. People seem to look too hard to find that giant break-up stimulus to move things along. The bottom line is: if a guy’s not doing it for you, that is all the reason in the world you need — things really don’t need to get more complex than that.

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