Dear Wendy: TK

For four years I’ve been really good friends with an on and off girlfriend, during which time it’s been back and forth between sexual intimacy and more of a best-friend relationship. Whenever I bring up the idea of something more permanent, she gets evasive. In undergrad it was easy to skate around this; we both saw other people occasionally, and while we wouldn’t go into details we remained very close, often returning to each other for what was familiar and ‘safe?’ I am leaning towards wanting a permanent relationship with her. I already feel like we’re in a tacit monogamous relationship because neither of us has been out on a date with another person in at least a year, sometimes we spend weeks on end at each others places, other times when life catches up we may miss each other for a week or two but we’ll still talk every day. The bottom line is that getting to the head of the conversation with her seems really hard. We communicate really well otherwise, but I think she purposefully evades the conversation because she doesn’t want to commit. At this point, what would the difference by between putting a label on it? — Confused in DC

Not going out with anyone else for over a year isn’t a good enough reason to commit. Just because neither one of you has been actively seeking the company of others (that you know of), doesn’t mean that you couldn’t or wouldn’t find someone else you like being with better. Obviously, the girl you bang on and off isn’t ready to rule out that possibility … and you shouldn’t be either. Don’t let the safety of something familiar keep you from finding a great match. Get out there are find some other girls to go out with. Let your friend know you’re dating other people since things have been so open between you for so long and you’re ready for something a bit more permanent. If that doesn’t get her to take you and your relationship a little more seriously, there was never really a relationship to label anyway.

Dear Wendy,
I have been dating a guy for almost a year and a half now. When we first started dating we use to talk about marriage and having kids. Recently — about 5 or 6 months ago — he completely flipped opinions and is now saying he never wants to get married and doesn’t want children. I love him with all my heart and I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with shortly after we started dating. He has Type 1 diabetes and i know that one of his fears of getting married and having children is that he will die one day and leave me with small children or alone. I also know that he is fearful that he will pass on the diabetes to our child. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but if he doesn’t want to get married and have children, I feel like I shouldn’t have to give up my dreams of being a wife and mother one day. Please help! I just don’t know what to do. — Eager To Be A Wife

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