“Jersey Shore” Is The Best Thing To Happen To MTV Since Music Videos

Will you remember where you were and who you were with the night “Jersey Shore” premiered on MTV? I will, because the show was just that friggin’ awesome. The show follows eight tri-state area locals as they spend the summer living, working, and partying together on the Jersey Shore. They’re all self-identified “guidos” and “guidettes,” which has offended some in the Italian-American community who believe those words are slurs. But the cast and producers insist that being a “guido” is a lifestyle — involving copious amounts of hair gel, fist-pumping, spray tanning, and drinking — that transcends race or ethnicity. Whatever. I call it entertaining.For those who are wondering why the show isn’t called “The Real World: Jersey Shore” despite the exact similarities — eight strangers live and work together while having their lives taped — I have a theory. Despite all the drunken hookups, hot tub shenanigans, and petty fights, MTV likes to believe that “The Real World” has some modicum of intelligence. Someone has an existential journey during filming and everyone leaves the experience “changed.” There will be no such nonsense for these Jersey Shore kids, thank GOD.

The two hour — Two hours! MTV knew this show was a goldmine! — premiere focused on the eight roommates getting to know each other. There’s Mike “The Situation” — “the situation” referring to his ripped abs, natch — who seems to be the sweetest of the guys in the house, though that’s sort of a fat man’s race. He’s crushing on Sammy “Sweetheart,” but she’s more interested in beefy, roid-raging Ronnie. There’s also DJ Paulie D (who looks like a long lost Gotti brother, thanks to his hair, which takes two hours to do), Vinnie (a true Staten Island Italian boy — i.e., he will likely live at home in his mother’s care until he gets married), Angelina “Jolie” (also from Staten Island, she’s the most natural-looking one of the group), and Jenni “J-WOW” (who is not Italian, but a guidette, with white-blond skunk-streaked hair and balloon-like fake tits).

But the cast member to watch is Nicole, who goes by the nickname “Snookie,” though her roommates are more apt to call her “Snickers,” “Snookers,” or “Snooks.” She reminds me of a chihuahua and I’m really not trying to be disrespectful. She’s extremely petite but incredibly top heavy, and she wears her hair in a “poof,” which she creates with a banana clip, though I highly recommend she try out the Bump-It. She’s also sort of interestingly racially ambiguous thanks to an extremely dark spray tan. On the first night in the house, Snooks got so drunk that she was macking on all the guys in the hot tub, which apparently is not the way to score with a guido. Concerned that her roommates all hate her, Snooks considered leaving the show and going back home because she was homesick (uh, isn’t her home, like, 25 minutes away?), but after a heart-to-heart with the roomies, the Princess of Poughkeepsie decided to stay. Seriously, I was sweatin’ that one. Snooks is seriously necessary.

I could probably go on for another 1,000 words about how much I love “Jersey Shore,” but instead I’m going to urge you to watch the full episode over at MTV and then come back here to celebrate its awesomeness. Next week I’ll be liveblogging this s**t show.