Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Rachael Hates Martha? Jennifer And Jessica Still Want John Mayer?

Since Thanksgiving is a holiday about giving thanks, take a minute today to thank Hollywood for providing us with an endless supply of drama—no matter how slow the news week. And it must have been limping this week—all of the tabloids took up valuable gossip space with gift guides. Still, there’s lots of stories to share. So grab some mashed potatoes and take a minute to catch up on the super true goings-on of celebrity world.

  • OK! reports that Miss Britney Spears is ready to settle down with her foxy agent/boyfriend Justin Trawick. Her boys are already calling him daddy, and Britney is supposedly considering a wedding in Australia, Costa Rica, Mexico, or Hawaii. According to a source, Britney’s once possessive dad “feels [Justin] won’t leach off her like some of her previous boyfriends.” And Britney wants to get started on having a daughter some day in the near future.
  • Apparently, Robert Pattinson has invited Kristen Stewart home for the holidays and has enlisted his mom to find a cottage in the English countryside for him and KStew to escape to for a few days. Robert’s parents already approve of the union and think Kristen is perfect for their son. Aww, it’s just like that movie “The Holiday,” only not funny.
  • Just when we’d accepted that Lindsay Lohan will remain a hot mess, Elton John has stepped in to offer some guidance. He says, “The best thing to do is go to the best treatment center, which is Hazelden in Minnesota, and get your act together.” The singer gave similar advice to Eminem at one point and the rapper took it. How many more rehabs before they give up? [OK! Magazine]

  • Us Weekly brought the drama with a “Stuck on Mr. Wrong” cover story featuring John Mayer and the two women who can’t escape his love, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson. Apparently, both women still hold a candle for him and John’s text messages were part of the reason for Tony Romo’s recent dumping. The tab suggests that Mayer keeps the ladies by charming them with e-mails. He “impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed.” Yup, email and sex, what else could a girl want?
  • In case you couldn’t tell, Robert Pattinson is broody and emo, and according to ‘pals,’ he was always a loner, not far off from the character he plays in “Twilight.” At recent events, Robert has hid out with Kristen or kept to himself. His aunt says the crowds are a pain for him. “The screaming of 5,000 girls; it’s like hitting white noise,” she says. And Robert confesses that he’d most like to go to his favorite pub unnoticed and is looking forward to being with his family at Christmas.
  • Us Weekly was nice enough to create “Lindsay’s Guide to Holiday Party Etiquette,” using opposite-day tips from our favorite party girl, such as “help yourself to refreshments” than detailing an instance where Lindsay shoved a full bottle of vodka into her purse. They also say that for holiday parties, “bring a pal or two” reminding us of when Lindsay brings a “gaggle of biker chicks” as her entourage. Other pointers include “keep the mood festive,” i.e. no crying in public, and “don’t be afraid to be spontaneous,” like showing up to Leonardo DiCaprio’s house at 5am. While I see the comedy in berating Lindsay, who would pick up the entertainment slack if she changed her ways? [Us Weekly]

  • I was bummed when Martha Stewart apologized for calling Rachael Ray an entertainer as opposed to a chef. Even though Rachael laughed off the comments, saying Martha has a superior skill set and she’d rather eat her food (duh), she was secretly pissed and allegedly said, “I hate you,” though it’s totally unclear when and who she actually said it to. But after Rachael’s guest appearance, Martha allegedly called her a “loud-mouthed cartoon character” and was forced to do the show cross-over because her producer and publicist thought it would help her ratings. I think admitting she hates Rachael would have a similar effect.
  • The refreshingly unapologetic Rihanna is apparently “proud of her cellulite” according to The National Enquirer. The singer is a self-proclaimed junk-food junkie and recently requested a food haul backstage that included six pizzas, fried noodles, six microwaveable lasagnas, 10 bags of potato chips, 15 donuts, 50 chicken drumsticks, and … an apple. According to a source, “Rihanna loves to eat, and she rarely exercises because her schedule is so hectic … Her attitude now is that life is too short to be denied simple pleasures or be upset over a little cellulite on her thighs.” I’m just imagining how hard it must have been to capture the most unflattering angle ever published in a tab. Good effort photogs?
  • In the newest installment of men can’t keep their pants on, Tiger Woods allegedly cheated on his wife with a New York party girl named Rachel Uchitel who has a “reputation for dating married celebrities.” Sounds like a nice girl. Her last hit was allegedly David Boreanaz. Rachel told friends she’s been jet-setting around with the golfer, sexting in between rendezvous, and telling each other that they love one another over the phone. Rachel told her friend, “I’m dating Tiger Woods! How could I ever date another mere mortal guy,” and of course thinks he’ll leave his wife for her. Funny, that’s not usually how this sorta thing works out. [The National Enquirer]

  • Finally, People is going to tell us why Oprah is leaving us, a shock that forced her producers to supply boxes of tissues under the seats of her guests on last Friday’s show. It appears that Oprah’s contract with CBS is ending and she’s tired of doing the show, but will be stepping into her job as chairman of the Oprah Winfrey Network and creating more prime-time specials with regulars from the show. And while everyone’s wondering who’ll replace Oprah at her time slot, it appears that Ellen DeGeneres is killing People’s poll.
  • Tom Cruise and his lawyers are fighting back against all the rumors of a marriage contract with Katie Holmes. According to Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields, this is “a pack of lies.” Fields says, “There is no such contract … there’s no agreement she has to be a Scientologist or that she has to have two children.” One magazine has already been served a legal notice demanding a retraction. Friends insist that the couple is very much in love, exchanging “beautiful notes” and talking on the phone several times a day. People also insists that Suri’s wardrobe didn’t cost $3 million but then proceeds to break-down her outfits piece by piece, proving that she does, in fact, where more expensive clothes than me.
  • Howie Mandel’s new memoir about living with OCD, Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me, just came out. So Howie granted People an inside look at his condition. According to him, the OCD started when he was little and got bit by a sand fly and broke out in bumps. His doctor told him the fly had planted larvae under his skin and gave him a pill which was only ever given to cows because they’re usually the only ones such a thing happens to. The psychological damage has lasted a lifetime. He can’t shake someone’s hand because it would require several washings and some daddy chores are completed with masks and gloves. Besides helping others with the same condition, Howie mostly wants to remind everyone; “Don’t touch me.” Fair enough! [People]

  • Lorenzo Lama’s plastic surgery-core Playmate ex Shauna Sand has come out to announce, “Chace [Crawford] was my teen lover.” After her separation from Lorenzo, Sand was living in a Malibu apartment close to Pepperdine University where Chace was a freshman. He supposedly asked her out “out of nowhere.” According to a friend, Chace told him that Shauna was his first and that they had “amazing chemistry,” spending most of their time in bed. Since she’d spent her marriage being pregnant with three daughters, Shauna was happy for a boy toy and hooked him up with modeling agents and a manager. Since parting ways, Shauna says they had a rendezvous in 2007 which involved whipped cream and oils, and had “wild sex all night long.” Huh.
  • The truth comes out on why Levi Johnston didn’t bear his johnson in his Playgirl spread. Apparently, Sarah Palin told Bristol that she would make is much harder for Levi to see his son Tripp if he went through with the pornography. According to a friend, “Levi was going to show it all. He had no problem with doing full frontal and his handlers said it would be good for his ‘acting’ career.”
  • I don’t know why Star insists on torturing us, but for the Thanksgiving week issue, they’ve compiled the “48 Best and Worst Holiday Beach Bodies.” And you thought we were in the clear since it’s freezing outside? Basically, everyone won except Nicole Eggert (who according to the mag weighs 130 pounds … um…), Helena Bonham Carter (who has cellulite, egads), Tori Spelling (who is too skinny). They also made fun of Jon Gosselin’s pudge, Jimmy Kimmel’s moobs, and Mickey Rourke’s clingy bathing suit that displayed full bat and balls. Shudder. They were nice enough to praise America Ferrera’s curves and gave us a dishy ‘best hunks’ layout. But with pecan pie on the menu, who wants to think about bikinis? [Star]