Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Is Addicted To Porn”

My boyfriend of two years has an addiction to porn. We’ve never watched together, and I actually just found out about it three months ago. He was viewing it on my computer and I confronted him about it. I had previously mentioned that porn is not something to ever be viewed on my computer (I have two young girls at home). He was actually replacing our sex life with satisfying his own needs. Things got better … for awhile, but the last two weeks I’ve noticed it on the computer again. Different sites, but still tons of pics of naked girls. I finally confronted him, again. I’m hurt and confused, and seriously sick of living like a nun. This addiction stems from years of being alone. As much as I understand, what’s left for me to do? Can we make it better or is this a lost cause? — Getting Nun

Yeah, it’s a lost cause. Why? Because by continuing to date a man whose utter lack of regard for you is so palpable, you’re not only risking your young daughters’ physical and mental well-being, you’re teaching them that being with a man, at whatever the cost, is worth more than their own self-respect. Assuming your boyfriend were even interested in recovery, why on earth would you drag you and your children through that long road with him? You aren’t married to the guy, you don’t have that long of a history with him, your sex life sucks, and I’m assuming that your daughters were fathered by another man, so what’s the point? And make no mistake about it, addiction affects everyone involved — significant others, children of significant others, co-workers, family. Your daughters, regardless of their age and the amount of time they spend with your boyfriend, can feel the effect of his addiction.

What I find most disturbing — and telling — is that he’s watching the porn on your computer in your home that you share with your two young girls. Does he not have a computer of his own? Does he not have an apartment of his own? That he didn’t even bother to clear his history makes me think he wanted to be caught. Maybe he wants you to dump him, perhaps he’s hoping you’ll give him the nudge he needs to seek help, or maybe he just gets a sadistic kick out of blatantly disrespecting you in your own home. Whatever the reason, it seems clear that he’s got major baggage and you’ve got your hands too full already raising two little girls to help him unload it. What’s it going to take for your to dump this guy? Do you and your daughters need to walk in on him jerking off to porn in your living room? Cut your losses now and count your blessings things didn’t get more serious with him before you learned of his addiction.

*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.

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