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Woman Getting Married: Wedding Porn

When my mom was in town this past weekend, we went to the mall. Not just to go to the Gap, which she had a 40 percent off coupon for (the woman always has a coupon for either the Gap, Banana Republic, or Bed Bath & Beyond), but to go to the bookstore to look for bridal magazines. Before I was engaged, I had to stop myself from buying one of those magazines. I wouldn’t even pick one up, for fear of jinxing myself and never getting married. As someone who is OCD, I’m surprised I didn’t back up four steps and do a circle after looking at them. Now that I actually had a reason to go into that section this time, the whole thing totally felt anti-climatic. I thought a giant light from heaven would beam down on to the first magazine I laid my engaged hands onto … but instead, I found myself trying to get around a giant heavy-set woman who was planted in front of me. For a moment, I actually thought about saying, “So you’re engaged, too?!” But then I stopped myself for fear that I would vent all my newfound anxiousness to her and she would run, or that she would just look at me and cry.

My mom and I grabbed Brides and Modern Bride, and then headed over to the Wedding Planning section because I wanted to get some books on etiquette and, well, wedding planning. Just to let you know, I’m the idiot who buys Wedding Planning for Dummies. Yes, that is the series I depend on when I’m faced with something new. When I bought my dog, Chester (a white-haired chihuahua who I had to give up … long story), I was the person who bought Dogs for Dummies. If there were a Life for Dummies, I would probably buy that.

After we got home, I put all the books on top of my washer, still in their bags, and just tried to ignore them. It kinda felt like the equivalent of not wanting to look at a pregnancy test (Mom, Dad: I’ve never taken one of those, FYI). You know you’re going to have to, but you want to put it off just a little while longer … basically, until that nauseated feeling goes away.

That nauseated feeling started going away last night. It’s been over a week since Future Husband popped the question, and I found out my mom had a good first conversation with my future mother-in-law. That had honestly been weighing on my mind a little bit. It was time, I figured, to get the books out from their hiding spot and take them to the most logical place — the toilet.

I’m pretty sure I sat in there 15 minutes, thumbing through Brides. First impression? That is the worst crap ever (the magazine, not mine). Ninety-eight-percent of it is ads of ugly wedding dresses. Then there’s, like, five charts telling me how to lose weight for the big day (sitting on the toilet reading bridal magazines should have been on it), and there’s really no useful information. Ugh.

I changed venues and went to the couch next to Future Husband and opened up Modern Bride. Even though he was sitting next to me and laughing periodically at what was in it, that magazine was slightly better. But still, it was mostly ads. I ended up ripping out a couple pages for future reference — like pics of cupcakes to use instead of a wedding cake, a picture of a model in a wedding dress on an old-timey train (not for any real purpose, just because I liked that image), and some cool salad tossers.

So far, the magazines have done nothing for me, and Wedding Planning for Dummies is the only useful thing I’ve gotten. Go figure.

Bottom line is: I don’t think this stuff is going to do it for me. I think I must need the hardcore wedding section. Maybe something imported …

Read more from Woman Getting Married here.

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