The stereotype out there is that women who buy and use sex toys are sexually free, independent-minded souls, while men who buy sex toys shouldn’t be living anywhere near a church or school. Hey, sex is sex — no big deal. Nobody should be shamed for a sex fetish, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.
However, that doesn’t stop the world from thinking that certain avenues of the sexual road map are, well, creepy.
Here’s a look at a few of the creepiest sex toys on the internet, and why they’re so disturbing.
5. Hello Kitty Vibrator (Babeland.com): This was actually already covered in The Frisky’s list of the “cutest sex toys.” Just because something’s cute, though, doesn’t mean it’s not insanely creepy. When you start to base your sex toys off of cartoons, well, at a certain point things get disturbing. And that point is precisely when a vibrator resembles a small cartoon kitten.
But maybe I’m overreacting. It’s not like the makers of the Hello Kitty vibrator are actively promoting the creepy innocence that this little vibrator exudes.
Creepiest Line From Product Description: “It’s finally back, and in three colors to boot, so pick up one (or three) if you’re looking for the perfect first-timer…” Oh, come on! Why even use the words “first timer” when referring to a cartoon dildo?
4. The Vamp Dildo (EdenFantasies.com): This dildo is pale, like a vampire’s penis. It also sparkles. You know, like a vampire’s penis.
Since the “Twilight” books and movies are the only vampire series to portray vampires as “sparkling” (thereby officially making vampires into gay guys at a Cure concert, only not as terrifying), I’m forced to assume that this is a dildo intended for “Twilight” fans. You know, teenage girls.
And, given the vampire cast from the movie, I’m also forced to assume that you’re supposed to use this dildo while thinking about what’s basically a 106-year-old man. Or, if you go with just the body, a 16-year-old dead boy. It seems to really effectively portray, you know, the whole undead, lifeless, worm-ridden corpse thing. And it sparkles. Look, the bottom line: this product is far creepier than any vampire movie.
Creepy Quote from Product Description: “The Vamp really does seem like a bloodless, beautiful, undead cock.” No word on how the reviewer knows what that would possibly feel like or who would possibly want that.
3. The Accomodator (TheAdultToyShoppe.com): The Accomodator, a chin strap with a big ol’ dildo attached to it, is designed for men or women to wear when performing cunnilingus. It penetrates the receiving partner, leading to a highly sensuous experience. All right, what’s wrong with that? There’s nothing creepy about using a bit of cool technology to help your partner have a good time. I don’t see any reason that the …. OH HOLY HELL!
The Accomodator just makes you look like the first draft of Pinocchio gone horrible, horribly wrong. It seems like there should be a lot easier ways to give someone an orgasm than making yourself look like someone put on Tommy Lee’s penis on Jay Leno’s chin.
Creepiest Line from Product Description: “The latex straps wrap around your head, allowing you to keep the dildo in place to to thrust it erotically!” Keep in mind that this is on your chin. If the receiving partner looks down, she’ll think you’re doing a “Night At The Roxbury” parody about ten years too late.
2. Magic Dalmatian Dog Penis Dildo (KinkyConsumer.com): OK, now we’re hitting some heavyweight levels of creepy. The Dog Penis dildo is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a great tool for simulating sex with a dog. The product description notes that it’s the medium-size model. They also note that ” … we also have the Vixen, the largest member of the family; the Neo, a smaller member, and the Uni, the smallest.”
While I like that they named their second-smallest dog penis after Keanu Reeves’ character in “The Matrix,” that doesn’t kill the horror of knowing that one size of fake dog penis wasn’t enough. There’s enough demand that the fake dog penis company has four separate models of fake dog penis? That is, in the words of my grandmother, “a hell of a lot of fake dog penis.”
On the plus side, this product’s inflatable, so if you ever go whitewater rafting it could potentially serve as the world’s most awkward flotation device.
Creepiest Line From Product Description: “Without question this is the closest experience to the real thing that you can have. This product is worth every cent of its price.” This is clearly written by someone who has tried several alternatives.
1. RealDolls (RealDoll.com): Granted, we didn’t cover a lot of sexual ground in this article. Mainly, we’ve looked at various creepy dildos, and you’re probably wondering why I don’t venture off the beaten path (no pun intended).
Well, that’s because when you travel off the beaten path, you run into RealDolls. And they eat your soul. Oh, yes, they do.
RealDolls are designed to be the most lifelike possible simulation of a human being, though they can’t move on their own, of course. And you’ve got to give it to the makers of RealDolls; these things look a lot like people. The thing is, the closer you get to “replacing human contact with a masturbation toy,” the creepier you get, too. It’s compounded by the fact that there are entire internet communities set up around RealDolls. Seriously. This is icky stuff. Ryan Gosling made it look sexy, but, in actuality, it is not.
I’m going to forgo the creepy product description on this one to tell you all about the RealDoll Doctor. He’s an actual, real human being, not a RealDoll, and he cleans out and repairs … er, used RealDolls. For a living. That’s how he makes his money. His site just went offline, and soon he’ll be back in the business of RealDoll repair.
Man, that Vamp Dildo is starting to look pretty wholesome.
Find a creepier sex toy? Post in the comments section below this article.