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Shun, Shag, Or Marry: The Unsung Hotties Of “New Moon”

All this craziness over Team Edward or Team Jacob is getting old real fast, so don’t come around here with your mugs and t-shirts. I don’t care which team you’re on. It’s just disrespectful to the other “New Moon” hotties! In this flick there is a plethora of vamps and wolves panting and wanting your blood, and, like I always say in bars, go for the cross-eyed one and you won’t get hurt. They might not have Jacob’s abs or Edward’s broodiness, but I’d still totally let them poke me with their stakes. SHUN: Paul (Alex Meraz)
Paul is the second hottest member of the “New Moon” wolf pack because he has the second most impressive set of abs and kinda pointy elfin ears. He’s also Native American, part of the Purépecha people from Michoacán, Mexico. But he also has this devious look in his eyes that ranges from pervy to slightly damaged, which is maybe not a plus. And while he’s plenty hot, do you really want to shackle your heart to someone who’s gonna get the blood rage and turn into a massive, toothy wolf creature every time you ask him to take out the trash? Not worth it.

SHAG: Jasper Whitlock Hale (Jackson Rathbone)
It is really hard to choose the hottest other Cullen family member, because Emmett (Kellan Lutz) is hot but he’s kinda too enthusiastic and says stuff like “This cast rocks!” Probably while shot-gunning a Budweiser. And Dr. Daddy Cullen (Peter Facinelli) is dreamy and has great self-control around blood, but I can’t look at that guy without hearing him say “Aman-duh” in “Can’t Hardly Wait.” This is why the blood-hungry Jasper wins, even though they give him ridiculous-looking blond highlights. He’s got amazing bright green eyes, adorable dimples, and perfect bone structure. He’s like the hipster indie vampire to Edward’s emo boy shtick. So get prepared for some hot, bloody sex, because what’s the point of sleeping with a vampire if you don’t want to become a bloodsucker yourself? What’s so bad about living forever? You wouldn’t have to worry about who you’d shag or marry because you’d have centuries to do both, and you’d save so much time not worrying about getting old and losing your figure, ’cause blood is probably pretty low in calories.

MARRY: Caius (Jamie Campbell Bower)
Why go for a Cullen when you can marry the boss man at the Volturi coven? I mean this guy has been around since 1300 BC, so he certainly has a lot to teach you. In bed. He happens to be British (in real life) and I’m not mad at the bleached hair. Sure, he’s been around since some Egyptian pharaohs were alive, but when are you gonna get another chance to marry a guy that old, wise, and powerful, but who looks like he’s 20? Never. And what’s the point in living forever if you’re not with the cool people? Caius doesn’t have any powers, but he’s definitely the cruelest of the three Volturi leaders and I hear you’ve gotta be cruel to be kind. Plus, you want the hottest, meanest one on your side. So for the rest of eternity, you could be married to one of the kings of the vampires, never sleeping at night, just learning new arts … like scrap-booking and needlepoint and stuff. All while traipsing around, murdering werewolves and destroying vampire covens that have become a nuisance. Queen of the vampires. Sounds pretty good, huh?

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