Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Oprah And MObama Feuding? Katie Holmes’ $15 Million Tell-All Book?

It’s Wednesday, and is it just me, or has work been especially hard as we head towards the calorific holiday season? Just be glad that you won’t be critiqued by millions on your pecan pie-induced weight gain, and when you get too drunk at the office party, you won’t have to read about it on the cover of a magazine the next day. Celebrities aren’t so lucky. But their pain is our gain because their (possibly fictional) dramas are usually more interesting than anything we could make up on our own. And because we love you so much, we’ve read every tabloid that came out today and hand-picked the juiciest stories. Enjoy!

  • Even though I’m pretty sure they announced there was no relationship a few weeks ago, OK!‘s cover story says that Kristen Stewart has said, “I’ll love him forever,” about her “New Moon” co-star, Robert Pattinson. According to a source, “Both of them are completely in love and have told each other they can’t imagine being with anyone else. They’ve said in no uncertain terms that they will love each other forever.” Then the tab goes on to describe the Twi-hards’ body language over the past week.
  • Taylor Swift has really been winning in life this past month. After guest-starring on “Saturday Night Live” and cleaning up at the Country Music Awards, Taylor said, “Everything that I have ever wanted has just happened to me.” She’s the youngest star ever to be given the Entertainer of the Year award and she’s kind of overwhelmed. “I never imagined that the unattainable thing that I had always held in my mind, in my imagination, would happen to me at 19.” Yeah, it’s gotta be kinda rough to have everything you want before you turn 20.
  • Britney Spears went to Australia this week on tour with her boys and manager/boyfriend Jason Trawick in tow. There are some pretty adorable photos of them playing with Sean Preston and Jayden James. According to a so-called pal, “Jason adores her and wants to be with her. He’s proactive with the boys and works hard to show Britney how committed he is to her and to her family.” Apparently, the boys adore Jason, calling him “Jase,” and even Kevin Federline likes the guy. A friend suggests that when they get back to California, Jason might move in with Britney because “she sees the stability Jason brings as a means to an end.” [OK! Magazine]

  • Even on vacation, there’s no break from the paparazzi. Jennifer Aniston was relaxing in Mexico this week, doing morning yoga and hanging out by the pool where waiters brought her and her friends water, margaritas, and salad. She’s already back in L.A. now, appearing “jovial.” An onlooker said, “She gave her security guard and other friends who were waiting big hugs, she looked happy.” Really Us Weekly, you’re not going to even suggest that she’s in love with her security guard?
  • I’m not sure what brought on the sudden re-emergence of scrutiny for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s marriage, but Us Weekly seems to think that Katie is dying inside and wishes she could get out of her seven-year marriage contract. Apparently, everything is controlled by Tom. According to an insider, “He tells her what to wear, how to cut her hair and when to work out. He even told her to be pale like [his ex-wife] Nicole Kidman.” I guess it’s because she looks kind of miserable most of the time and doesn’t hang out with her friends, but the tabloid claims she’s isolated and has aged 10 years. According to another source, “Katie definitely misses her old life. But she feels like she has to finish out this deal. It’s pretty sad.”
  • Just when you thought the Kate and Jon Gosselin drama had died out, Thanksgiving came to save the day. Supposedly, Kate has invited her bodyguard Steve Neild (whom she was allegedly having an affair with) to Thanksgiving. Apparently, Jon is threatening to come to the house and throw Steve off the property. He told photographers they “should come ready for action in bulletproof vests.” This is allegedly because Jon heard that one of the sextuplets had asked Steve “if he was going to be their new daddy.” Kate’s apparently doing great, according to a source. “She’s constantly on the phone with Steve, smiling like a teenager. I haven’t heard her yell in two weeks.” Huh. [Us Weekly]

  • Looks like cougar moms and teenage girls might get their wish—Zac Efron is apparently trying to break up with his long-term girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens. Zac has been flirting and clubbing without her in tow for weeks and might like the taste of the single life. “Zac has never really been single since making it big. He hasn’t had much guy time or really experienced the clubs,” says a friend. “The bottom line is he feels he needs to experience life as a single guy before he can settle down. Zac will always love Vanessa, but he thinks they’re both too young to be so serious about each other.” Eyewitnesses saw Zac flirting with Lauren Conrad and massaging Brittany Snow.
  • Evidently, Oprah and Michelle Obama are feuding. Or, more accurately, Michelle is jealous of how Barack looks to Oprah for strategical help and advice. She supposedly has “gone as far as to tell Oprah that she’s not welcome in the White House.” Meanwhile, Oprah thought she was going to be an adviser and was planning on redecorating the Lincoln bedroom, which is reserved for special guests. Oprah desperately wants Michelle’s friendship, writing about her being a “phenomenal woman” in Time, sending gifts and calling. But when Oprah went to interview Michelle for O Magazine, Michelle denied a cheek kiss and tried to diss Oprah by answering Gayle King’s questions. I dunno. These two sure seem like besties to me. [The National Enquirer]

  • Sarah Palin managed to squeeze into People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue to promote her new book, Going Rogue: An American Life. The magazine starts off by describing her furry handbag, which is apparently called a Possibilities Bag. “It’s otter. They hunt it, they eat eat, they make a bag,” said the eloquent politician. “A man gives it to his wife and then he has possibilities.” Gross. When asked if she would run for office again, Sarah said, “There are a lot of shackles when you are in an elected position. So if I believe it’s best for my family and country that I assist minus those shackles, then I will go down that path. I do my work from a kitchen table now.” When a reporter jokingly told Palin, “Just don’t talk” (allegedly because of her high pitched voice), Palin’s aide said, “You sound like someone from the McCain campaign.” Meanwhile, Bristol is taking college business classes, wants to open a coffee shop, and shares a room with her baby Tripp. She ends the piece with a triumphant toast: “May we always be happy, and may our enemies know it!” Touché.
  • In a brilliantly gratuitous layout entitled “My Life in a Speedo,” Jerry O’Connell jokes about his new reputation for wearing too little, after photographers shot him on the set of “Piranha 3-D.” “And People thought I was gallivanting around town like that,” he said. Lucky us. Jerry says he might keep the briefs for revenge. “If my kids ever annoy me, I’ll go and mow the lawn in a Speedo just to embarrass them.” Then People gifted us with a 5-page layout of Jerry going about his daily tasks, very much in public, very much wearing a tiny red Speedo. Well, good morning! [People]

  • Sounds like Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are back on the rocks. Justin supposedly brought Jess to a Jay-Z concert where Rihanna gave a surprise performance. According to an insider, “They fought like crazy all night, Jessica was crying and kept asking how he could have put her in that position and embarrass her like that, but Justin swore he didn’t know Rihanna was going to be there.” Two days later, Jessica had dinner with Jennifer Garner and spent the entire meal whining about Justin. According to a fellow diner, “She confided that things have been really rocky between them lately … She said she didn’t think they’d make it past Christmas, and she seemed really sad about it.” Meanwhile, Justin texted Rihanna after the show, apologizing for bringing Jessica.
  • New “Real Housewives of Orange County” star Alexis Bellino’s nasty divorce became tabloid fodder today, because of her ex-husband Jeff Barry’s “point of view.” Jeff accused Alexis of having an affair with a wealthy married man in order to buy designer clothes to hang out with the “trust fund babies” she met at the gym where she worked. So Jeff wrote a fake email, posing as her friend to get her to spill secrets. Then he emailed her and her friends, saying, “I am truly embarrassed that you ever took my name. You are not the girl I married. If only I knew you were a gold-digging homewrecker, things would have been much different.” Eventually, he called her a “$2 whore.” In divorce papers, Alexis said that Jeff took $10,00 from their savings to buy stock in his name. Jeff responded by calling her an “irrational drunk. She just seems to have even bigger boobs, a nose job and blonder hair now. But I hope she’s become a better person.” I wonder if he’s realized that he totally sounds like the crazy in that relationship?
  • Last week, Star told us that Katie Holmes is in negotiations for her marriage contract renewal. Now, Katie is supposedly prepared to write a tell-all that, according to publishing sources, could get her about $15 million. And there are allegedly walk-in closets full of skeletons to reveal. According to a source, “They have separate bedrooms in separate wings of the house, with Suri’s room close to Katie’s. They say it’s because Tom snores so loudly and Katie has hinted that they’ve never slept a whole night together.” Apparently, Tom likes Katie to wear red nighties and he likes to wear military uniforms around the house, spends hours in front of mirrors, and sleeps on his back supported by pillows to avoid extra facial wrinkles. According to a source, Tom’s beauty routine includes “facials, oxygen treatments, microdermabrasions, Scientology rituals for cleansing from the inside out, plus lipodissolve around his waist and chin.” Tom also has a mobile Scientology unit, a black sound-proof spy van, which he uses to communicate with the other Scientologists. Well, thanks for ruining the book, Star! [Star]