Many women aren’t aware that just as there are emotional stages of acceptance of death, there are emotional stages of acceptance of sex. When men lose their virginity, they experience a remarkably similar set of emotions.
Here’s a look at the various stages that men go through when losing their virginity, drawing on my own terribly awkward experience.1. Confusion. I remember thinking, Is this really happening to me? Now, I’d planned this all out with my sweetheart, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was going to wake up in the middle of the world’s cruelest wet dream. I kept pinching myself, which, in retrospect, probably wasn’t very attractive or romantic.
2. Anxiety. Most guys immediately think about the risks of sex: pregnancy, STDs, angry parents and withering disappointment. I took all of these into account my first time, and decided to wear two condoms, just to be safe. Hey, high school health class was only in its second semester. As a result, I didn’t feel anything below the waist, but that didn’t stop it from being magical … if magical means “awkward and disturbing,” of course. I felt extremely anxious the entire time. I’d say butterflies were in my stomach, but that seems a bit of a tame expression. It was more like dragonflies in my scrotum.
3. Unreasonable pride. I was very worried about finishing early, so I kept a digital alarm clock close to the bed and I was constantly doing the math. Past about the 10-minute mark, I was joyous. I felt like a king. Some sort of sexual king. On top of the world. Some kind of sexual world.
Yes, I said to myself, I am a man and I am able to reliably perform sexual intercourse with a woman.
“What?” she said.
“Nothing,” I said and continued to bring the pleasure train.
4. Embarrassment. About 50 minutes in, I realized that I wasn’t the silver love god I’d envisioned, and that I had no future in the realm of hardcore pornography. I was actually unable to finish, probably because I was wearing more plastic than a fat kid in a bad Power Rangers costume. And, truth be told, I was unable to do much more than, er, keep at it, trying in vain to feel something. At some point she got up and went to the bathroom. I’m not sure that I noticed.
Eventually it was over, and we lay together in post-coital bliss for several minutes until I hurried her home before my parents got back. Then, I lay in bed, no longer a virgin, my pasty, acne-covered face glistening with the sweat of hard work barely accomplished. I thought of what this would mean for my girlfriend and me, as well as how awesome it was going to be to masturbate to an actual sexual memory, and how I’d casually let it slip to my friends at the next Dungeons and Dragons tournament.
It was a beautiful, romantic night, one that I will never forget, no matter how hard I try to drink it from my memory.
Got a good virginity story? Hey, who doesn’t, right? Share it below.