If you’re a fan of “CSI,” you already know that this week is an epic three-episode crossover of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” “CSI: Miami” and “CSI: NY,” where Laurence Fishburne (Ray Langston) teams up with David Caruso (slow-talking Horatio Caine) in Miami and Gary Sinise (Mac Taylor) in New York to break up a nationwide teenage prostitution/murder ring. We’re really concerned about the integrity of the series and stuff, but more importantly we immediately asked ourselves—which of these guys would we shun, shag, and marry? SHUN: David Caruso of “CSI: Miami”
Ugh. There are plenty of reasons to shun Caruso. He’s an egomaniac who takes painfully long pauses when he’s talking and his shtick seems to revolve around removing and replacing his sunglasses. I don’t know why he’s supposed to get the same alpha male status as Sinise and Fishburne. I would last three minutes on a date with him. I think my biggest qualm is that he emphasizes all the wrong words, so it’s really hard to extract what he’s actually trying to say. Most scenes go something like this: Observe scene. Pause. Remove sunglasses. Start making painfully obvious statement. Pause. Put on sunglasses. Finish statement in a way that makes you think it was meant to be funny. It wasn’t. Pause. And even if you could handle all that, you’d still be stuck with mean little ginger children.
SHAG: Gary Sinise of “CSI: NY”
There’s something hot about Sinise. I’m not sure if it’s the eyebrows or because he often plays jerks—but he’s definitely shaggable. He’s awesome on “CSI: NY,” even though I have no idea why the Oscar-nominated actor can’t get movie roles these days. The only reason he’s not marriage material IRL is that he’s a conservative Republican, but if there’s one thing that conservative Republicans are good for, it’s hate sex. He also gets points for playing bass in a cover band called Lt. Dan Band after his character from “Forrest Gump,” which, in my opinion, was one of his sexier roles since he was all sweaty, angry, and bitingly hilarious, even with the wheelchair and filthy long hair at the end. In conclusion, his boner is worthy of investigation.
MARRY: Laurence Fishburne of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”
I’m overjoyed that Fishburne took over because if William Petersen were still the head honcho, this would have been a more difficult decision. But Fishburne always plays the brilliant badass. I’ve had a crush on him since he played Cowboy Curtis on “Pee-wee’s Playhouse” and he was basically God in “The Matrix.” On “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation,” he owns the Vegas streets—no one wants to mess with the Fish. And he totally knows how to take care of a woman. Every night, he could read you stories in his disarmingly sexy voice before you went to bed. And he’d be great for morning sex with that cocky gap-toothed smile of his. Swoon.