New Scientology Tell-All Reveals Tom Cruise’s Telekinetic Powers

Like many of you, I have long been curious about what kind of malarkey and tomfoolery is going on inside the cult Church of Scientology. What’s up with the uniforms? The audits with the weird metal rods? Xenu? And most importantly … is Tom Cruise really an extra-terrestrial? I’ve often found myself tempted to sneak inside a Scientology center with a hidden mic and snoop around like Nancy Drew, but my fear of alien abduction is far too strong. Well, no need to wonder anymore. Marc Headly, a former insider at the church, has written a tell-all book, called Blown for Good, about his 15 years of work with Scientology. And folks … you can’t handle the truth. In an interview with the Village Voice, Headly reveals what happened during his own auditing session conducted by none other than Tom Cruise. Cruise, he claimed, would instruct him to speak to a book, telling it to stand up, or to sit down, or just move. “You do the same with the bottle. You talk to it. You do it with an ashtray too,” he says. “You tell the ashtray, ‘Sit in that chair.’ Then you actually go over and put the ashtray on the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, ‘Thank you.’ Then you do the same thing with the bottle, and the book. And you do this for hours and hours.” OMFG! I can’t wait to read this book! Tom Cruise possesses telekinetic powers! A sure sign that he is an alien! I wonder if Tom Cruise will be able to move copies of the book off the shelf with his mind? While I ponder that, I am going to try to use my mind to get money to move from other people’s bank accounts into my pockets. Of course, I will thank it afterwards. [Fafarazzi]