Shun, Shag, Or Marry: The New York Yankees Versus The Philadelphia Phillies

Tonight, my friends, is game six of the World Series, aka the night the Yankees could win it all. To be completely honest with you, I couldn’t give a damn about baseball and have never watched a full game in my life. However, I recognize that the game involves hot, illusive men in tights who do heroic things, so I’ll take a gambit at making potentially fakelife-altering decisions and choose which of the Yankees and which of the Phillies I would shun, shag, and marry. The Yankees

SHUN: A-Rod. I hate to shun Alex Rodriguez just because he’s had a history of steroid use and lady hustling. Oh wait, that sounds legit actually. He also earned the nickname “The Cooler” because teams “turn cold” when he joins them, and I like to keep things hot. Of the criticism, A-Rod said, “When people write [bad things] about me, I don’t know if it’s [because] I’m good-looking, I’m biracial, I make the most money, or I play on the most popular team.” Or maybe it’s because you use performance enhancers and sleep with strippers? OK, so he’s an extremely talented athlete and gorgeous, and I feel bad that he’s dating Kate Hudson now because she’s adorable, but the aforementioned issues are some hefty deal breakers. []

SHAG: Johnny Damon. There’s something really sexy about a man who isn’t afraid to admit he’s not a genius (for the record, I only date geniuses and sleep with dummies) and Damon proudly says he may be dumb in his book, Idiot: Beating “The Curse” and Enjoying the Game of Life. He has received a bunch of All-Star awards and has only been married twice. Since he cut his hair, this half Thai, half Croatian/Irish dude is just a total beefcake. []

MARRY: Derek Jeter. Jeter is as hot as A-Rod and he also happens to be a well-loved team captain. He received the All-Star Game and World Series Most Valuable Player awards in 2000 and has been linked to ladies (sans scandal) like Mariah Carey, Miss Universe Lara Dutta, Jessica Biel, and, most recently, “Friday Night Lights” star Minka Kelly. Jeter also has a ton of endorsements and started an anti-drug and alcohol addiction organization called Turn 2 Foundation. He’s classy, well-paid, has made out with some of the most beautiful women in the world, and he’s a nice guy? Sold. []

The Phillies

SHUN: Chase Utley. I really have nothing bad to say about Utley, he’s adorable and kind-looking, but he just happens to have one slightly hotter teammate and one who is more impressive outside of baseball. His charity work includes an event called Utley All Star Animals which raised money for the ASPCA, which is awesome. And he is one of the team leaders for The Phillies, but if you’re a girl who’d rather pull off her own fingernails with a hole-puncher than watch sports, this isn’t a big factor. Plus, his first team after college was the Batavia Muckdogs, and after repeating the word “muckdog” 50 times in my head, I never want to see another penis again. Sorry Utley! []

SHAG: Cole Hamels. This guy looks like a total jerk. Like the kind of jerk who’d push you away from the mirror so he can fix his hair. He’s a left-handed pitcher who’s received some MVP awards, despite persistent injuries, and married to Heidi Strobel from “Survivor,” which is almost icky, but since they’re in love, I’ll let it slide. Most importantly, though, he looks like the popular boy in middle school, the one with the sexy dark brown shaggy hair and cheerleader girlfriend. He’s got the Sandy Cohen eyebrows, the dimples, the boyish flushed cheeks. He’s like the Zac Efron of baseball players. Hell, if he pitched topless, I would totally watch baseball for the first time ever. []

MARRY: Jimmy Rollins. Rollins gets point for being a base-stealing shortstop—there’s something really cocky about a man who thinks he can always get to the next base safely, if you know what I mean. He also wins for being charitable, musical, and into politics. He helped campaign for Obama, hosts an annual charity bowling tournament for the Arthritis Foundation, and owns a music label called Bay Sluggas, Inc. These endeavors are important when your career is based on your strength. Plus, he was in some MC Hammer videos in the ’80s and is marrying his former trainer Johari Smith in January, which is way more down-to-earth than all the star-schtupping that’s going around the major leagues. []