When I first met my good buddy, Zac, three years ago, I had a huge crush on him, but he let me know he didn’t feel the same and the feeling eventually went away. We’ve been on good terms since then, and recently we decided to become f**k buddies. Things have been going alright, and we really haven’t been experiencing any of the usual problems associated with the friends with benefits situation. The thing is, I sometimes want a more intimate relationship. I get the urge to just hug him or kiss him or the want to be held by him, and I look forward to the times we get to be alone together, even if we’re just watching tv and doing homework (we’re roommates too — easy booty call). I’ve started having daydreams about him, and I know it’s a bad move but I feel myself slipping back into the old crush habit.
He’s always given very mixed signals to me, one of the things that led to problems between us earlier in our friendship when I wanted things to move in a more steady direction with him but he turned me down. Our level of sexual chemistry is extremely high, and we’re so close on a friendship level that I feel like I almost want more. Am I being naive in thinking and hoping that a sex buddy could turn into something more? I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk ruining what we already share, let it go and keep heading down this path, or cutting it off before I get my heart broken. — More Than A Buddy
Aw, the old f**k buddy conundrum. She wants more, he doesn’t, and she’s convinced herself she’s getting mixed signals from him and maybe he’s simply confused about what he wants (also known as: “the usual problems associated with the f**k buddy situation”). Look, there are no “mixed signals” or “almosts” or “slipping back into old crush habits” in this situation. You very clearly want to be Zac’s girlfriend, you’ve always wanted to be Zac’s girlfriend, and he very clearly does not want to be your boyfriend. How is he sending you mixed signals? When a man says he doesn’t want a real relationship with you, believe him. When a man says he only wants sex and friendship from you and not all the hassle of a committed, monogamous relationship, believe him! He’s not confused, he isn’t in denial, and he’s not just sitting around hoping you make the first move because he’s too shy to.
Because you’ve exhibited questionable judgment in the past by moving in with a guy you had a crush on who made it clear the feeling wasn’t mutual, I’m going to spell this out for you as clearly as I know how: Zac is using you for sex because you’re there and you’re easy. He can’t be bothered to find someone who isn’t a roomie to bump nasties with because he’s lazy or unlucky or both, and since you’re more than willing, you fill the need. Sex does not equal love. Sex and friendship doesn’t even equal love. Love is about mutual respect — respect for another person’s time, space, and feelings. Not only does Zac seem to have a lack of respect for you, YOU have a lack of respect for you. You’ve given this guy permission to use you. You’ve given him as much as he wants from you without getting back as much as you want from him. You’re committing a crime on your own emotional well-being by continuing a sexual relationship with Zac.
It’s time that you be honest with yourself and with him. This cannot end well if it continues on the same path. Let Zac know that you still have feelings for him and if he isn’t in a place to return them and to start a real relationship with you, you need to stop sleeping with him. Then start looking for your new apartment with a roommate who doesn’t make you weak in the knees.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.