My boyfriend and I had broken up, and my heart was in pieces.
I needed a weird and fluky experience to distract me from reality and test my ability to feign composure. And, as we all know, the first step in getting over heartbreak is random sex. What better way to combine sex and weirdness than Craigslist, where people hook up based on absolutely nothing — luck, timing, fate?
I consulted my Meaningless Hookup Expert, aka my Best Gay Friend, to formulate a plan; presented here for your gawking/edification is our first-hand guide on how to have a cathartic, post-breakup, strings-free CL hookup.Step 1: Have a plan
The more time you spend reading posts on CL is directly proportional to how likely you are to be scared out of it. So have a goal, and get cracking. I decided I wanted to have a threesome with a couple in their mid-to-late 30s. I pictured an established yuppie couple (multi-ethnic if I was being choosy) with a wine rack and built-in bookshelves. They would welcome me casually, and we’d do our thing, and I would leave somehow feeling like I’d learned a thing or two.
Lemondrop: My Craigslist Casual Encounter
Step 2: The Perfect Post
The level of literacy on CL dips pretty low, like into the tween-texting range, but this can also be a good thing because it makes it really easy to sift through the garbage. My post was short and sweet, clear and to the point. I said what I wanted, with whom I wanted it, and described what I had to offer as objectively as I could. I gave gentle versions of the truth, like “petite” instead of “short” and “dark features” instead of “Jew-y.”
Lemondrop: I Was A Craigslist Call Girl
Step 3: The Choice, Pretty Arbitrary
It was as though Craigslist had been waiting for me. I received dozens of instantaneous replies, a couple hundred in a few hours. The responses ranged from enticing (Frenchman and some woman) to disturbing (Staten Island parents in their 50s). I pretty much had my pick.
Step 4: The Meet-Up
When I finally met up with my chosen couple for a glass of wine, they were really beautiful and casual. I was impressed with myself. “Michael” was a personal trainer (read: hot bod), and “Michelle” was a cook. He was 30, and she was 40. Forty, Jesus Christ! Cougartown! They had amazing bodies, both for their ages and just in general.
However, the more they talked, the less into it I was. Michael was kind of skanky, and Michelle was like a wannabe Samantha Jones. (She referred to her studio apartment as — yikes, get ready — a “f–k pad.”) I also discovered that they met on Lavalife and were not a “couple” per se, which was not the rosy fantasy I had in mind. I kind of wanted to just do it already.
Step 69: It, the Actual Doing Of
Very little time was wasted on foreplay, thank God. The actual sex with Michael was good. Really good. He knew what he was doing. His peen was average, but the way he used it was way above average. Aggressive, confident, and energetic. Very, very good. And see? I learned something! Size doesn’t necessarily matter … l mean it does, but average penises can be made above average.
OK, and now the crap part: a very big mistake I made. Now, I’m no Women’s Studies major, but I do like to keep my options open and not lock myself down into a sexual preference category, blah blah blah. However, it turns out I don’t care for lady parts. I mean, I can definitely appreciate them aesthetically, but at the end of the day, I realized I didn’t want to go down on a girl.
So unfortunately, I found myself not into Michelle, even though she had a mad hot bod for a cougar. So I didn’t really touch her hah-hah, and I felt bad about that. Realizing that someone doesn’t want to touch you is the worst, and I’m really bad at pretending to like anything when I don’t. Oh well.
Then it was over. And I was like, “PAYCE!”
Step 393: The Aftermath
Part of me was like, “That’s right. I can do bad all by myself.” Another part of me, though, felt guilty. And then I was angry at myself for feeling guilty. Why is guilt my automatic response to pleasure? I’m not Catholic! But I’m a woman, and I’m an American, so, there’s that. But I realized I had gotten exactly what I needed: a shake-up that would remind me that ex is only one person of millions, and there are even other places (gasp!) where other people are waiting to love me, or at least have meaningless sex. (Also: Michael secretly got my email off Michelle’s account and wanted to meet again.)
Additionally: Don’t Get Chopped Up
My CL encounter was blissfully simple and safe, but remember — use common sense! Before you meet, get multiple pictures, email back and forth a little, talk on the phone once or twice. Make sure two or three people know where you are (warning: choose your confidant wisely, you will be judged), and tell the person(s) with whom you are meeting that close friends know where you are, the address and everything. Also, always meet your rendezvous first in a public place. I think regulars of the cyber-hookup scene let this rule loosen up. Don’t. It’s a reasonable request and will give you a clearer picture of the scenario.
Also, you’ve heard this a bazillion times, but it’s good to get tested after new partners, and avoiding it only leaves you in the dark longer. So if you’re looking to get over an ex, go forth and get off.
Beth Brennan is the pseudonym used by Lemondrop bloggers and contributors when we want to write naughty stuff but keep our jobs/boyfriends/dignity.