Tabloid Cheat Sheet: RPatz And Kristen Split? TomKat’s Fake Marriage Arrangement Over?

Oh sweet Wednesdays, alleviating the happy hangovers of last weekend and preparing us for the crazy times that will be this weekend’s Halloween candy-corn binge. Just like the neighborhood kids, your favorite celebrities are also playing make-believe — although not voluntarily — in the pages of this week’s tabloids. Once again, we’ve compiled the super true-ish stories from this week’s ‘bloids for your unembarrassed perusal. Enjoy, cause this week’s are pretty major.Star

  • Whoah. So Star says that when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married, Katie signed a three-year marriage contract. Allegedly, it’s now up for a renewal, but negotiations aren’t going well. The 100-page contract detailed Katie’s clothing allowance and $3 million baby-making bonus. According to a source, Katie makes $250K a year to support Scientology. To renew the contract, Katie now wants $500K for that and wants to raise her clothing allowance from $750,000 to $2 million a year. Plus, she wants a film role from United Artists, which Tom runs. Supposedly, Nicole Kidman had a similar contract, but wanted opportunities instead of money, which is why they starred in three movies together. Um … this sh*t’s crazy!
  • Star reports that it was Heather Locklearwho got Ashlee Simpson-Wentz kicked off of “Melrose Place” because they were competing to be the most famous person on the show. Ashlee received an email telling her she was being let go. An insider says Ashlee was making fun of Locklear in front of the cast and joked that Heather would need a lot of editing since the show is shot in high definition and, well, Heather’s old. Meanwhile, Heather “wanted [Ashlee] gone so she could make it her show.”
  • Apparently, Maddox has been pressing parents Angelina and Brad to get married for years, so the couple allegedly threw a fake wedding ceremony at their French chateau and all the children played parts. Maddox was the priest who told Shiloh that she was “the ring bear.” Aww. Though the ceremony obviously wasn’t legally binding, Brad was emotional and called his friends to gloat about their cute ceremony. When they were asleep, an insider says they talked about real marriage. Who is this insider? Their bed frame? [Star]

OK!

  • OK!, which never fails to stalk Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, has reported that the “Twilight” lovers have split. Apparently, Robert only spent 45 minutes at the “Eclipse” wrap party because he was brooding over Kristen putting a stop to their whirlwind romance. Some of the reasons that may or may not have contributed to her decision—that she feels threatened by his female fans (probably literally), that they’d have to compromise on Los Angeles versus London, and that she might be more into Taylor Lautner‘s hot bod. It’s a sad day for fake vampire lovers everywhere.
  • Real Housewife NeNe Leakes tells us how she lost ten pounds in two weeks by working with a trainer and giving up all the things she loves. Her trainer sends her “inspirational” text messages like, “NeNe, stay strong, have a healthy day, don’t forget to eat your breakfast.” NeNe reports that she’s not feeling most of the food she has to eat, that she hates lunges and squats, and that she refuses to give up potato chips. I think this is gonna stick, don’t you?
  • Rihanna and Chris Brown are at it again. Well not really, but supposedly Brown said Rihanna’s new single, “Russian Roulette,” is “really weak.” But he agreed that her barbed-wire cover art is “really sexy and different.” OK! has taken all of this to mean that Chris is sending RiRi mixed messages. I think it means … booooring. [OK! Magazine]

Us Weekly

  • Bachelor” Jason Mesnick is apparently super sure about his engagement to Molly Malaney, unlike when he proposed to Melissa Rycroft. The differences this time were that he bought wildflowers instead of roses and that there were no cameras, because he’s not actually famous. His fans were furious when he brutally dissed Rycroft. He says, “I think people disliked me even more than Osama bin Laden.” You wish, dude. Why is this a cover story, Us Weekly?
  • Taylor Squared, or Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner, are supposedly on. They say Lautner was trying really hard not to be photographed meeting Swift at the Beverly Wilshire hotel one night, even though Swift was sharing the room with her mom and Lautner only stayed for an hour. A source said they were recently “definitely holding hands and talking into each others’ ears.” But an insider says, “It’s very new. I wouldn’t call it love yet.”
  • Now that Michael Jackson is gone, there is apparently a war over his children. Us Weekly reports that since they have spent their lives being “shielded from public view,” this is another step towards “normalcy.” If by “normalcy” they mean “becoming tabloid fodder.” But I guess they’ve had many of their first ventures out in public since the death of their father. The alleged family war was summed up in one sentence: “All the men [in the family] look at them with dollar signs in their eyes, while the women are protecting them.” [Us Weekly]

The National Enquirer

  • Our favorite tab, The National Enquirer, reports that Oprah‘s “booze and drug binges” have forced Stedman Graham to leave her for good. With basically no new information except for that Oprah has been drunk in the past month, the Enquirer reports that Oprah demanded more champagne “4 or 5 times” at a luncheon and was upset that Chicago lost the bid for the 2016 Olympic Games. She is also apparently willing to pay Stedman $150 million to keep him quiet about her secrets, but we’ve heard that one before.
  • I like it when features are “Enquirer Exclusives,” because it means that they are even more extreme than the rest of the regurgitated gossip. Today, they reported that Jennifer Aniston called up Brad Pitt to beg him to take her back. Supposedly, “Brad is all ears.” Jen allegedly said, “I never stopped caring about you. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here. Come back to me.” Brad talked about his Angie troubles and said, “Man, you’re killing me with those tears,” but was crying himself. And with that, the greatest screenplay ever written was contained within the flimsy pages of a tabloid.
  • Rosie O’Donnell is splitting from her partner Kelli Carpenter and is apparently terrified of losing custody of their four children on top of the $125 million she could lose in the divorce battle. A source said, “On paper, Kelli appears to be a better mom because she doesn’t have the baggage Rosie does,” which includes having obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADD, and a drinking problem. The couple was legally married in California in 2004 and an insider said, “Kelli gave up a lot for Rosie. Now, as she goes out on her own, she deserves a lot.” [The National Enquirer]

People

  • Just when you’d forgotten all about him, Andre Agassi pens a memoir called Open. In addition to that crystal meth shocker, Andre divulges that he dropped out of school at 16, was going prematurely bald and wore a hairpiece even when he was playing, and exchanged faxes with Brooke Shields before meeting her. That’s right, faxes. And before their wedding, Shields worked out using a photo of Steffi Graf (his current wife) as motivation. And that’s irony for you.
  • Usher‘s divorce is still pending but his soon-to-be ex-wife, Tameka Foster Raymond, says she wants him back. Duh, he’s beautiful. But Usher recently released a song about divorce called “Papers.” Around the time that Tameka nearly died receiving liposuction, she allegedly keyed Usher’s car, which she denies. In one of the most confusing interviews I’ve ever read, Raymond insists she didn’t trap Usher into marriage, which she says is proven by the fact that he did music videos while she was pregnant. She also says that she doesn’t know why he divorced her, and though she loves him, she doesn’t know if she wants to be with him.
  • Alanis Morissette is running a marathon in 11 days and talks to People about her ongoing battles with her weight, from being an anorexic teenager to gaining 20 pounds after her breakup with Ryan Reynolds. She says it wasn’t from emotional eating, but from eating at 2 a.m. and drinking margaritas on the road during what she’s dubbed her “Indulgence Tour.” She says this marathon isn’t just a phase but a “way of life” and credits the book Eat to Live for her success. [People]
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