Dear Missionary Position,
You don’t get any respect. People think you’re old-fashioned, or bland or submissive. The other positions are more popular than you are. Flashy pornos feature kinkier ways to go at it, and popular magazines feature sex positions that would make a carnie contortionist reach for the Ben Gay. Some of those positions are just balancing acts for acrobatic show-offs more interested in human Jenga than sex. And then there’s Shakespeare, who called you the “beast with two backs.” Don’t worry, I don’t believe he wrote all those dull old plays himself either.
I’m never more connected with the woman I’m kneading the dough of love with than when her legs are wrapped around me, our bellies are flush against the other, and our eyes are locked. Teeth find lips, pelvises slowly grind, and skin ripples. You’re the best position to deliver that quiet, trembling post-orgasm whisper that no one can ever hear but is understood completely anyway. You’re the best. I think it’s high time someone speak up on your behalf, as you’re a classic. And between you and me, the Kama Sutra is just Sanskrit for “High Maintenance Sex For Bored People.”
I’m not knocking all other sex positions. Doggy-style is a pretty great, dirty opening act. It’s totally raw, with the hair pulling, the spanking, and the fantastic view. Speaking of view, woman on top is also a winner. She’s in control, showing you the rhythm she needs, and as I mentioned, there’s a view of her gorgeous breasts. Standing up is awesome, especially if you can’t wait to get home and she’s wearing a short skirt. And let’s hear it for marble kitchen counter tops! Yay, marble kitchen counter tops! While we’re at it, let’s cheer the boss’ desk, picnic tables, and that black chair next to the computer and web cam. There is a time and a place for the “spoon” position and that is the morning, snuggling during a dull moment in a movie, or in a loft bed with a low ceiling. Sometimes, I think shoulders were invented specifically for feet to rest on them.
But then there are the poses that are overrated, the ones that snicker behind your back. Don’t worry, missionary position. These snarls of limb and sweat are just fads. For instance,
I’ve never understood the appeal of Tantric sex: There is absolutely nothing in this world that can occupy my attention for 12 hours straight. Sting must have an Adderall prescription.
Any sex position that uses the words “wheelbarrow,” “pretzel,” or “romp” is hereby canceled until further notice, pending review. If you see a sexual position illustration that makes a couple look like a two-headed spider, move on. I’ve seen ways to have sex that look like they require a helmet, or zero gravity, or, at the very least, a spotter. These are not ways to knock boots; they are dares.
Sexy experimentation is important to couples, but in my experience, when a woman introduces a book of sex positions, something has gone horribly wrong in the bedroom. One girlfriend did this, and I have to say that at no time during sex should a kneecap smash a nose. Freaking also shouldn’t be preceded by 30 minutes of stretching. At one point, as we slogged through ridiculous position after position, I actually thought, “This would be a whole lot easier if we were boneless, like jellyfish.” It took me a week of this carnal torture to realize the book was just a means to an end for her. She was trying to communicate with me, and the message was clear: she wanted to spice things up. So I went and bought a book, too. Only this was a book with short stories about nothing but straight-up, raunchy f**king. I asked her to read it, and to tell me the stories that made her lava flow. And then we acted them out. And after the final act, after the roman candles had fizzled out, I collapsed on top of her, and we both laughed. Because we had done it in the missionary position.
Don’t believe the hype. To quote the cosmic sex deity with calves of steel, Tina Turner: “You’re simply the best.” All the other positions are just heirs to your naughty throne. Nothing endures like face-to-face intimacy. Thanks for the good times, and here’s to many more.
Yours most truly,