Frisky Q & A: Alan Wieder Talks “Year Of The Cock,” Penis Size, And Vagina Worship

Alan Wieder is not embarrassed to talk about his wang. In fact, he’s written an entire memoir about getting to know his … er … penis better. Year of the Cock: The Remarkable True Account of a Man Who Left His Wife and Paid the Price chronicles the year (ironically, the year of the rooster—hee hee) that Alan decided to follow his little head on a destructive journey. He packed up his things and moved out of his home, ready to pursue his fantasy of becoming a hardcore bachelor. During this premature mid-life crisis, he buys a vintage Porsche, bangs lot o’ chicks, and becomes obsessed with the size of his member. I know what you’re thinking. What a jerk! Why would I want to spend 300 pages reading about penile insecurity? Because Alan’s hilarious and, somehow, his year of cockiness is refreshing. Trust me, you’ll laugh too hard to judge him. The Frisky: So Alan … how did you come to be obsessed with the size of your penis? Was there an inciting incident?

Alan Wieder: My obsession began to really take hold after I glimpsed the schlong of a particularly loathsome rock star whose identity I’ll conceal here, because I don’t want to ruin one of the book’s more ridiculous surprises. My discovery—from an online sex tape—that this absolutely vile, horrendous man had a bigger wang than I, for some odd reason, made me feel inordinately inadequate and self-hating.

The Frisky: But what exactly caused you to take such extreme measures in your life?

AW: Complete and utter f**king insanity, Ami! In all seriousness, I was in the throws of an obsessive episode. Though I am symptom-free now for several years, I was diagnosed with OCD and, thankfully, I responded very well to treatment. I was truly bonkers there for a good while and compelled by completely irrational ideas to do irrational things to my body—the ideas that haunted me then seem laughable today.

The Frisky: What were some of those irrational ideas you had about your body? For all of us with a vagina … please explain penis size paranoia.

AW: In a nutshell, I became overwhelmed with a paranoid suspicion that my penis was too small. Too small for what, I don’t know. Just “too small.” My brain was telling me, “My penis is too small, too small, too small,” all day long! It was a vague and punishing and impossible-to-eradicate belief that I was horrifically inadequate down yonder and, therefore, as a person. All dudes in the average range are plagued to a certain degree by their size—it’s just something we care about, and it has less to do with the judgment of the women we’re penetrating than with some self-evaluative urge that’s as old as mankind.

The Frisky: OK, now I’m dying to know. How small is yours really?

AW: My penis is not small at all. Truth is—and this will probably annoy some dudes who read this, and make some women scratch their heads—I am above average. I basically have a 6.5-7” inch wiener, above the average range. I am also, I believe, very good in the sack. I’ve been told as much, many times, most recently by my girlfriend Carley (who’s obviously a saint for putting up with all this embarrassing press!). So I have absolutely nothing to worry about in the humpy-doo department. Like I said, my thoughts were completely illogical and, ultimately, had more to do with my hatred for myself as a man than with my perfectly respectable manhood.

The Frisky: I think the consensus among most of my ladies is that size is not the most important thing as long as the penis can take care of business. How important do you think men perceive penis size to be to women?

AW: You may not think size matters, but I do feel that women care more about the size of a guy’s pecker now, in 2009, than they used to. Or perhaps more of a sense among men that women care more, because women can be seen openly debating the issue like never before. In the last two decades, the dick has gone from being a semi-taboo subject to an everyday object of our cultural chatter. Look at “Sex and the City,” or “Hung,” or a million web articles on women’s sites in which gals weigh in on questions like, “Is bigger better?” Now that we fellas can hear all the emasculating comments that had been previously relegated to women’s private convos, a constant ongoing public critique on size makes us increasingly insecure about our endowments.

The Frisky: Why write a book about such an unflattering period in your life? Is there a message you want readers to take away?

AW: My book actually started as a journaling exercise encouraged by my therapist as a way of correcting my punishing and illogical thoughts. Then came the torturous task of turning my journal entries into a book. An ultimately cathartic process, but only by dint of a tremendous amount of time spent sitting with, and analyzing, my harrowing self-perceptions. It was an extremely difficult thing to write about—it still makes me nauseous thinking about it—that I only got through thanks to having a beautiful son … and copious amounts of Jim Beam rye whiskey.

I wish the message of the book were as simple as “Don’t leave your wife because the grass isn’t greener!” But the reality is that my marriage was unhappy before I left, and after I returned; that my ex-wife, though a wonderful person, was not ultimately the best partner for me; and that now, four years and much personal growth later, I’m a much happier man with someone else. I guess, in the end, the biggest thing I want people to see is that darkness breaks. So, if I have a message for anyone in a tough place emotionally, it’s “Hang the f**k in there.”

The Frisky: Some critics have called you a misogynist because of the way you treat women in your book. What are your thoughts about that?

AW: For the record … I am not a misogynist and deny that accusation utterly. I am a huge admirer of women. In 2005, I had dark and deeply cynical ideas about women that were borne of an unhappy marriage and an unhappy place in my life; I needed someone to blame for my own sense of inadequacy, and women were a convenient target. I didn’t treat my ex-wife well, but the reality is that we both had a big hand in the failure of our marriage. Point being, not only am I not the perceived misogynist I was at the start of 2005 but I don’t like that guy very much either and never really did. Anyone who knows me knows I’m very pro-gals … and a gentleman.

The Frisky: Would you put yourself in the same category as someone like Tucker Max?

AW: I actually enjoyed Tucker Max’s book, but I have little in common with guys like him. He celebrates and revels in his a**holishness; my story lives in a pit of shame, self-hating, and regret—not arrogance.

The Frisky: What is your advice for women about sleeping with someone with a small penis?

AW: I would say, that if your dude has a small penis AND isn’t satisfying you sexually as a result, then you should be honest with him about it, so that you give him a chance to prove that he’s a stud despite his sub-par schmeckle. Don’t make it about his penis per se—he’ll already know that, trust me—but teach him how to please you, show him where to touch you, kiss you, play with different positions until you find what works. If he loves you, he’ll look past his bruised ego and put your needs first. After all, any good lover is more concerned with a woman’s pleasure than his own. One of the best gifts you can give a guy is the sound of your genuine pleasure and the satisfied look on your face after being righteously boned. Not faked, either—work with him to get to a place where you are really, loudly enjoying yourself and you’ll both be much happier in the relationship.

The Frisky: How about your advice for women whose significant other is going through the kind of crisis you did?

AW: If a guy’s crisis consists of buying a sports car, blowing some dough, and having an innocent flirtation with his assistant but nothing more … then cut the guy some slack and seek therapy, because, well, pretty much all dudes are prey to stupid urges like that. If, however, his crisis causes him to leave you, have sex with other women, then regret it and come home … the relationship is, in my opinion, irreparably destroyed and you should leave him. Your relationship will never, ever be truly happy again after he’s broken your trust; you’ll never, in my opinion, be able to see past the anger and get out from under the shadow of it all. How could you ever? If your man cheats on you, do him and yourself a favor and give him the boot—even if there are kids involved. Because staying together will only be a recipe for lifelong misery and resentment. Guys may not like me for offering this advice but it’s honest.

The Frisky: How’s the Penis Haiku (Phaiku) contest coming along? Can you share any of your favorite entries?

AW: Fantastic, thanks for asking! I’ve actually extended the deadline to November 15 because one of my judges can’t get to it till then. I have many to go through, but one of my favorites is …

Constant wax and wane
Trouble making up his mind
Is she hot or not?

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