I was recently in the car with a friend of mine, discussing my girlfriend and, I’ll admit, I was talking about my sex life. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I know it contained the phrase, “Then we had sex.” At this point my friend, a dude, took it upon himself to inform me that, “Lesbians can’t have sex.”
Rather than jam a tube of lipstick in his eye, I said, “Lesbians absolutely have sex.” We spent the rest of the car ride arguing about this, my friend repeatedly telling me to look up of the definition of sex in the dictionary. He was sure, he said, that it would contain the word “penis.”Clenching my fists, I called him a misogynist and a whole slew of other names that would most certainly be bleeped out on prime-time television. But the truth is, I encounter this all the time because, for some reason, people—mainly dudes—think you need a penis to have sex. Two men can have sex, a man and a woman can do it, but two chicks … hell no! What we do is “foreplay,” “third base,” or “other stuff,” depending on who you ask.
This is hurtful and offensive for a whole bunch of reasons. First, I don’t think anyone has a right to label or judge what I do in bed with another consenting female. I will call it what I want and you will nod and smile because you aren’t the sex police, despite what the Halloween costumes in stores this time of year may suggest. Second, the idea that a penis must be involved in sex for it to “count” is very close-minded. Men don’t need to be up in everything, especially not my vajayjay. Also, what is this business with sex counting and not counting? I’m going to count my girl-on-girl action. What are you going to do, huh? Sneak into my room and sand those notches off my bedpost?
My third and biggest gripe with this whole craptastic idea is, for most people, including me, sex is an intimate and passionate experience. It’s an important and emotional part of my relationship. When someone tells me what I experience and feel isn’t real just because I don’t have a dong, it’s demeaning and it makes me sad.
If you still aren’t convinced, well, in the words of my friend, look it up! According our friends at Merriam-Webster, sex is defined as “intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis,” or, “intercourse that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis.”
In case you didn’t get that, sex has two definitions and one does not involve the word penis. If you still don’t believe me, I suggest you walk up to a lesbian couple on the street and tell them they are virgins. See what happens. I dare ya.