Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Nicole and Joel Married? Mary-Kate’s $900 Million Prenup?

Happy hump day! For this joyously slow news week, the tabloids were more random than ever, reminding us that no news is not reason enough to not print the news. Instead, it is reason enough to create something better than truth: intrigue. So, in an effort not to gather facts, but to create an even better existence based on subtle hints and unnamed sources, we’ve read every tabloid and picked the most interesting stories to share with you.

  • OK! pieced together a cover story based on Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer reuniting, using facts and presumably photographs that are months old. But according to the rag, the two have a “magical” time together, and since February, Jen has loosened up to the idea of having a more casual relationship with John. Though friends say Jen feels like she has nothing to lose, they’re suspicious that John’s only drumming up drama because his newest album is coming out soon. Go figure.
  • In an exclusive interview with Paris Hilton, OK! gives us a glimpse into Paris’ mind. We find out that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world, is going to the Ukraine for Fashion Week, and is not down with Jon Gosselin. “I don’t know why anyone would care. He just seems like a hungry tiger going through a midlife crisis.” Tiger? Is that a male cougar? And who knew there was a Ukrainian Fashion Week?
  • Because we can apparently never get enough, OK! revealed the top 10 secrets from the “Eclipse” set, which basically concluded that everyone on set is hooking up with each other and that the boys weight-lift and play pranks on each other. The production company hired off-duty SWAT team members for security who said, “The pay is three times better and the work is 10 times easier.” They revealed that to find the set there are signs on phone poles that say, “Untitled Sports Movie.” Way to be secure guys! [OK! Magazine]

  • “After years of being an object of pity to family and friends alike, Britney is back on top,” according to Us Weekly, whose cover story “How Love Saved Britney” is really inspired. Basically, they’re saying that Brit’s friend/agent/lover Jason Trawick is the first trust-worthy guy she’s dated and that he’s stabilizing Miss Spears and her little family by really looking out for her and taking care of her boys like they were his own. Awww.
  • Never one to shy away from the press, Nadya Suleman is back to talk about how she lost 145 pounds. I have a guess—was it emptying your uterus of eight babies? According to Suleman, “After each pregnancy, I naturally got down to a size 1 or 2 without trying.” Way to rub it in. Fret not, she’ll tell us everything in the memoir she’s currently writing. She also gives us a sample diet plan with gems like, “As long as it’s nutritious, it’s good to eat.” Brilliant.
  • Because everyone’s still buzzing about Balloon Boy (word is, sexy Balloon Boy is the go-to Halloween costume this year), Us Weekly revealed some of the family’s dark secrets. According to a friend, father Richard met his wife Mayumi at acting school. “Fame is what drives him,” this friend says. Turns out, Richard is kinda nuts. He has reported an alien encounter where the aliens said they were his parents, he believes the world will end in 2012, and he thinks men are superior to women, leaving Mayumi to take care of everything practical. [Us Weekly]

  • Even though we only just heard about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s race to the alter, it looks like Mary-Kate is already hashing out a prenuptial agreement for her artist boyfriend, Nate Lowman, in order to protect her $900 million fortune. Sources say that Nate understands the prenup, but some friends believe he could benefit financially from the marriage. Mary-Kate’s rep said in response, “there’s absolutely no truth to any of this,” which was a nice transition in paragraph eight.
  • Now that Michael Jackson’s passed away, there appears to be a Prince revival, which unfortunately for the “Purple Rain” singer, means he’s back in the tabloids! And The National Enquirer reports that Prince looks manorexic, weighing not much more than 100 pounds. According to a doctor, Prince’s hips and joints are a mess from decades of dancing in high heels. Oh, so once it affects Prince, then you tell us heels are unhealthy?
  • Because the affairs weren’t disturbing enough, it’s come out that David Letterman might have a secret sex tape filmed by “Late Show” security cameras. A copy supposedly exists somewhere and if it were found, “CBS would find it hard to ignore sex in the workplace — caught on tape.” And the plot thickens. [The National Enquirer]

  • People introduces us to Sparrow James Midnight Madden, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden’s new son. In a surprisingly adorable interview, Nicole and Joel swoon about what great parents they are and how helpful big sister Harlow is at taking care of little Sparrow. One of the most interesting tidbits to come out of the interview was Nicole admitting she peed in front of Harlow to teach her to potty train. When Nicole asked Joel if he did the same, he gave a resounding “No!” And, apparently, Joel takes Harlow on “dates” all the time and asks Harlow where she wants to go, which has included the answer, “to a birthday party,” which was apparently difficult to maneuver.
  • Tracy Morgan’s memoir Tracy Morgan: I Am The New Black, has just come out and Tracy gave People an inside look, talking about his Vietnam vet father who was a heroin addict. Shortly after he got clean in 1987, he died of AIDS. After selling marijuana for a bit, Tracy decided to do stand-up and worked his way to “Saturday Night Live” and eventually to “30 Rock.” He says, “When opportunity knocks, you should take it captive. I’ve got it tied to a chair in my basement.”
  • People hit up Uncle Jesse John Stamos who’s currently starring in “Bye Bye Birdie” on Broadway. The actor is working on growing up, apparently, talking about his amicable divorce from Rebecca Romijn, his occasional binge drinking, and the fact that he’s actually looking to settle down again. He says those words broody women everywhere love to hear, “If I died and didn’t have any children, I would feel like, whatever good things I’ve done in my life, I’ve accomplished nothing.” Awww, Jesse! [People]

  • It seems strange that in their exclusive People interview, Nicole and Joel didn’t mention that they got married this week, cause according to Star, they actually joined in the South Korean ceremony where 21,000 people wed on Oct. 14. They took part through a streamed broadcast and had an officiant-translator to oversee them exchanging rings. The couple has allegedly been celebrating quietly with friends and family and Lionel Richie already welcomed Madden to the family during the Noble Humanitarian Awards last week, where Joel was honored for his charity work.
  • “Bones” star David Boreanaz has apparently lost control of his own bone and cheated on his wife, Jamie Bergman, who gave birth to their new daughter less than two months ago. Boreanaz was seeing events planner Rachel Uchitel until two weeks after his wife had the baby—he was, allegedly, going out once a month and talking/texting up to 50 times a day. He allegedly told his mistress, “I’ve never had sex with my wife like I have with you,” among other things that suggest the “source” was probably the other woman.
  • Thank goodness Star was on hand to talk to Levi Johnston while he was preparing to pose for Playgirl. In the interview, Levi says he’s been working out with a trainer, especially on his glutes. He says he isn’t dating anyone and that his dream job may or may not involve acting. Well, it’s been a roundabout way to get to Hollywood, but it just might be ridiculous enough to happen. [Star]