Women Love Vampires Because We Want … Gay Men?

Further proof some men don’t know jack about women: Esquire magazine says chicks go bananas for vampire love stories because we lust after … wait for it … gay guys. Gay guys don’t want to be with us the way vampires can’t be with us and you know us ladies: we just want what we cannot have.

No, I’m not buying it either. But let’s humor ourselves and find out just how, exactly, vampire crushes are like crushes on gay guys. Esquire writer Stephen Marche argues vampires who withhold love (such as in the beginning of Twilight, Edward is “seemingly repulsed” by Bella) remind women of the confusion and rejection we feel from closeted gay guys. “This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn’t figured out they were gay or were still in the closet,” they wrote. “Twilight’s fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that’s the clincher.”

Thank you, adult men, for explaining to teens girls why they like what they like! What would they do without you to set them straight?

Sigh. Where to start with this mess of a theory? First of all, a lot more women than just “slightly awkward teenage girls” — like totally not awkward Frisky chicks, Amelia and Annika — are into vampire books and movies, so that blows the high school theory out of the water.

Second of all, confusing relationships with closeted gay guys do happen, but it’s not on any girl’s Top Ten List Of The Worst Things About High School. And anyway, by the end of high school or early college, most young women develop some gaydar in order to function!

Lastly, gay guys aren’t the only ones we lust over who reject us—there are whole packs of commitment-phobic 17-year-old boys roaming through high schools. We at The Frisky generally hate to over-analyze the deep-seated psychological reasons why women enjoy stuff, but if we were to engage in such an analysis over vampire lit, we’d hitch our wagon to the prevailing “abstinence is hot!” theory. You know, a vampire is 200 years old and old-fashioned and courtly, plus he might sink his teeth into her neck if he nuzzles too close to her. Hence, why hundreds and hundreds of pages of the Twilight series pass with only chaste kisses between Bella and Edward. (Besides, it’s no secret that Twilight’s author, Stephenie Meyer, is a Mormon.) Vampire love is sexually non-threatening and that’s where the romance comes in for women—not from some psychological issues we’ve held over from high school involving that gay boy in art class. [Esquire]

What do you think is behind the vampire trend?