Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Khloe’s Marriage Already Over? Jon Has His Eye On Kate’s Bestie?

It’s Wednesday again, and if you were lucky enough to get Columbus Day off, you probably didn’t even notice that the week is half over. Thankfully, we’re here to remind you that the best ‘bloids hit the newsstands today. Heaven forbid you actually pay for them, so we scooped them up in the wee hours of the morning, read them cover to glossy cover and picked out the most amazing, totally true (yeah, right) tidbits for you.

  • In an amazing cover story entitled “Inside our Love Nest,” OK! gives us an inside look into Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s Vancouver hotel suite romance. Apparently, the couple holds down an entire floor of the Sheraton with conveniently attached bedrooms. There, Rob plays guitar for Kristen, they cuddle in bed and Rob enjoys his “beloved Hot Pockets.” One storekeeper said of the couple, “They seem like they’ve been together for years—like an old married couple but way, way hotter.” Seriously, OK!? Beloved Hot Pockets?
  • Rihanna is apparently “finally over Chris,” which means she’s stopped calling him and has “promised friends that she has no interest in keeping him in her life.” While Chris is picking up garbage for his court sentence, RiRi is in the studio. Her friends claim there’s no romance with Justin Timberlake, but OK! says that she did get cozy with Drake at a recent MTV VMAs after-party.
  • Suri Cruise earned her own three-page spread of photos on the family trip to Boston. Tom taught her how to skip stones and Katie Holmes took her shopping. All the witnesses confirm that Suri is the greatest child on earth. Can she throw a temper tantrum or something? [OK! Magazine]

  • Us Weekly reports that Taylor Swift might be dating “Twilight” hottie Taylor Lautner. Two Taylors together, whoa! The two were caught embracing just a bit too long at the VMAs and Lautner flew to Illinois to see Swift’s recent concert. The two will be in the movie “Valentine’s Day” together where they share a kiss, but they haven’t been caught kissing off camera yet. I have to say, I protest this union because it’s going to be hard coming up with a cutesy name when they already share one.
  • The Jackson clan is filming an A&E reality series which will apparently include Michael’s offspring—Prince, Paris, and Blanket—even though the family knows Michael worked hard to keep his kids out of the media. There will be about 10 hours of footage, parceled into either five or 10 episodes. According to the executive producer, “We’ve got 23 cast members with the last name Jackson. They’ve done a great job opening up about losing a brother.” This might not end well.
  • The excitable Mary Murphy of “So You Think You Can Dance” took Us Weekly’s cover this week with a six-page story about how she survived spousal abuse from 1978 to 1987. Apparently, dancing saved her confidence while she was enduring physical abuse, rape, beatings, and a miscarriage at home. She finally divorced her husband for obvious reasons; though, he tells the tabloid that the reason for their split was that he wanted children while Mary’s “desire for children was secondary to her dancing.” [Us Weekly]

  • The most reputable of sources, The National Enquirer, alleges that Jennifer Aniston drunk dialed Brad Pitt after a few glasses of white wine, but was surprised when Angelina picked up his phone. This, of course, became a cat fight where Aniston told Jolie that she hated her and Angie yelled, “Leave my family alone!” before hanging up. Apparently Jen can’t shake “the most significant relationship of her life” and Jolie is jealous that Brad still allows contact with his ex-wife.
  • Dr. Phil’s marriage is in disarray after his former patient called him a “fraud and a pervert” and filed a lawsuit against him for allegedly groping her and forcing a naked man on her. The stress from the lawsuit and Dr. Phil’s plummeting ratings has caused him to lash out at his wife, Robin. Insiders think it might lead to a divorce battle over their $200 million fortune. Dr. Phil is in negotiations for a $75 million contract that would guarantee him a show until 2014, but since no one cares about him anymore, the outcome isn’t looking great.
  • The Enquirer got an exclusive look into David Letterman’s relationship with Stephanie Birkitt, saying he had nicknames for her like “Smitty” and “Monty” and would dare her to do things, like eat a whole pizza for $300. When she failed, he gave her the money anyway. The rag says that Letterman hired Stephanie as his personal assistant because it gave them an excuse to travel together. Apparently, Letterman paid her $2 million over the years and footed her law school tuition. He was about to buy her a house before the drama went down. The Enquirer also claims that the affair continued into Letterman’s marriage and says that Stephanie had wanted to get pregnant before wife Regina. [The National Enquirer]

    • Continuing with the Letterman affair theme, People details Robert “Joe” Halderman’s point of view. Supposedly, the CBS news producer found a diary belonging to Birkitt, his girlfriend of four years, which proved that she hadn’t ended the affair like she’d promised. Thus, he began his extortion plot. Unlike The Enquirer, People says the affair ended well before Letterman got hitched this year. One sidebar shows pictures of Birkitt and Regina both in their 20s—in plaid shirts, with shoulder-length brown hair. I’ve gotta say, they look creepily similar, but Regina’s dimples totally win.
    • The Duggars, from the TLC reality show “18 Kids and Counting,” welcomed their first grandchild last week, a girl named Mackynzie Renee. The proud grandparents, Jim Bob and Michelle, are expecting another baby in the spring even though they just had one nine months ago. They’re also running out of names starting with “J.” Josh and Anna, the parents of the newborn grandchild, said they will “welcome as many children as God will give us.” Good luck competing with momma Michelle’s babymaker, though. Poor Mackynzie is going to be older than her own aunt come spring! [People]

    • Star claims that Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom, after a breakdown in Paris over her failed Emanuel Ungaro line. The reviews allegedly spurred a drinking binge that led to Lindsay openly crying and passing out at a Paris club. An insider says, “She’s an obituary waiting to happen.” The actress allegedly lives on vodka, pills, cocaine, soda and candy, sometimes grabbing handfuls of pills from her purse without knowing which ones she’s taking. Her parents are probably the most useless supervisors in the world: Dina is supposedly obsessed with getting on “Dancing With the Stars” and Michael recently told Radar that he would get her off the pills, though he has almost no contact with his daughter.
    • As if Jon and Kate Gosselin didn’t have enough drama already, now Star says that Jon might be flirting with Kate’s best friend, Jamie Cole Ayers, who rushed to Kate’s rescue when the marriage began to fall apart. A source says, “Jon and Jamie have been sending sexy texts to each other.” They also allegedly spent time together in January while Kate was away, and while sparks were flying, the kids got in the way of any potential cheating.
    • Remember when Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom two weeks ago? Well, according to Star, their marriage is already on the rocks. Last week Star claimed that Lamar is cheating, returning home late after flirting with women at Los Angeles clubs and posing with “adoring female fans” after his games. Apparently, the couple also recently got in a fight when Khloe asked for a back massage and Lamar said she should give him one after his hard game. The tiff ended in the couple sleeping in different rooms. Well, two weeks is longer than some celebrity marriages! [Star]