4 Sex Acts Guys Think They’d Enjoy (But Won’t)

Men look at sex the way dogs look at bacon: The object is to get as much as possible in any form or by any means before our inevitable deaths.

Some of the more inventive people in our society have come up with a variety of sex acts intended to improve the pleasure of sex. But messing around with sex is like trying to improve the taste of bacon; you can try, but, ultimately, bacon is just good. Some sex simply sounds much better on paper than it turns out to be, often leaving guys wishing they’d just gone with some basic intercourse instead.

Here’s a look at a few sex acts that guys are convinced would be awesome, but in real life turn out to be pretty disappointing.1. Threesomes. The possible advantages of a threesome are pretty obvious for guys. Sex with one woman is great, so sex with two women should mean double the enjoyment. However, there’s a problem here: Guys have a certain threshold, and once it’s reached, they’re pretty much sitting in the corner or offering to get coffee for the women. Three-ways are also pretty awkward–who starts?–and it’s almost inevitable that someone’s going to get ignored. They also tend to break down relationships pretty quickly. Threesomes are best relegated to the realm of porn movies and George Clooney.

2. Sex in public. The voyeurs among us will note that every magazine with sex-related articles constantly recommends sex in public as a way to revitalize a relationship. What those magazines frequently omit, though, is that the possibility of getting caught is more than a “turn-on;” it’s a chance to end up on a sex offender registry. How’d you like to head around to every house in your neighborhood and let them know that you were caught making the beast with two backs in the middle of a park? It’d keep the kids out of your yard, but that’s about the only positive.

Even if you don’t get caught, the fear will make most men shrink like a slug in a salt mine.

3. Sex with boobs. Somewhere, a long time ago, a man had this thought: “Sex is great. Boobs are great. How can we combine these two things?” After about 16 hours of brutal meditation, he found a solution: sex with boobs! Awesome, right?

Well, no. For one thing, sex with boobs requires pretty large boobs or a very small penis, and some awkward positioning on the part of both partners. It doesn’t do a whole lot for the woman, other than make her feel like one of those balance balls at the gym, and it’s ultimately far inferior to real sex of any kind. Having sex with breasts ends up just feeling like you lost a game of sexual Mad Libs.

4. Anal sex. Without getting too graphic (which is always what someone says before saying something graphic), anal sex is a lot like a classic car from the ’30s or ’40s. Every guy thinks he wants one, but the truth is that it doesn’t handle very well, it’s dangerous, and the maintenance and clean-up makes it not worth the time or effort. Guys who remain obsessed with anal are usually more into a power play than anything else, and there’s healthier and, er, cleaner ways to go about that particular fetish.

Have any bad sex experiences to share? Post below.