10 Ways NOT To Praise Our Vaginas

Oh Asylum, how happy are we that you’ve discovered our need to have praise bestowed upon our sacred lady flowers! So happy that we were inspired to compliment your wangs! Although your vajayjay compliment primer is certainly a valiant effort, now might be a good time to tell you that a comment like “Your vagina is so much hotter than my last girlfriend’s vagina” may just leave us closed for business. More important than what you say is what you must vow not to say in order to keep the peace down south. After the jump, 10 things that you should never say to our vaginas — at least if you want to see them again. 1. “What is that?” If you don’t know or you don’t like what you see … go home.

2. “Mmmm” or “Yum.” Or really anything else that makes us feel like a snack.

3. “It’s nice to see one with hair for a change.” Looking like a pre-pubescent girl is not something that turns US on.

4. “It’s almost time for your wax appointment, right?” Do you have any freaking idea how much waxing hurts? No, you don’t.

5. “You have such a strong smell.” That’s our worst nightmare as strong does not always equal good, even if you meant it that way.

6. “Your clitoris is so big.” Yeah, we don’t measure them like you do.

7. “C**t” or “P**sy.” Proceed with caution when using these words, in bed especially. Our vaginas are particular about the names they like to be called. Notice what we say and mimic.

8. “She’s a real trooper.” Sure, our vaginas are certainly strong and resilient; however, they are not soldiers coming back from war.

9. “It’s so cute!” It’s not a pet, fahcrissakes.

10. “I want to pet you all night long.” See above.

Readers out there in Friskyland, please add the phrase your vagina finds the most offensive.