Get ready to roll your eyes. Universal Studios announced today that they’ve reached an agreement with toy giant Mattel to make a live-action Barbie movie. I repeat: Universal will cast an actress to portray a doll that feminists argue would be unable to walk upright due to her proportions. But anatomical incorrectness is only one of the reasons that Barbie has remained in the realm of plastic and cartoons until now. Producer Laurence Mark is canvassing writers to find that perfect family-friendly storyline that goes beyond the drama I remember of spending 90 minutes trying to yank those @#$* knee boots on and off over those flippin’ plastic heels. Once the problems of casting and inflating the actress with a superhuman ability to balance have been solved, here are our predictions for what will happen in this movie. [Variety]
- Barbie races for NASCAR, tests shuttle simulations for NASA, models for Vogue, and works as a goodwill ambassador for the UN in her spare time. She home-schools her brilliant-but-nonthreatening-to-boys little sister, Skipper, so they can jet-set around the world as a family.
- Handsome, wealthy real estate giant, Ken, happily makes sure the fridge is stocked with Diet Coke and Yoo-Hoo for whenever Barbie returns to her Malibu Dream House.
- One night, when the girls return home to an empty fridge, Ken is nowhere to be found. Barbie decides that this is Ken’s way of breaking things off. Worse than a Post-it!
- With valiant determination, Barbie and Skipper pull on their knee boots.
- The girls jump into Barbie’s dream convertible and go to Fat Burger, where they consume 10,000 calories worth of dream food.
- Back at home, they decide to go for a swim, when a ransom note arrives from, I mean for, Ken.
- Barbie sets out by herself to prove that she’s kick-ass at kicking the ass of kidnappers and rescuing the man who has always put her hydration above his own needs.
- Barbie is captured by bad guys and tied to something.
- Skipper karate chops the bad guys. She sends Barbie and Ken off to honeymoon in the Bermuda Triangle, to set herself up to star in the sequel. The end.
What do you think—not enough prom dresses?