Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Oprah Winfrey’s A Liar? Jennifer Aniston Is Preggers?

It’s the middle of the week, your boss totally hates you (he/she’s such a jerk!), you forgot to Tivo “90210” last night, and the coffee machine is broken again. Your life totally sucks. Fear not! You will forget all the drama of your stress-infused life once you get a load of this week’s tabloid stories. After the jump, we’ve compiled all the questionable headlines from this week’s crop of ‘bloids, so you can impress your water cooler friends and distract yourself from the follies of hump day.

  • Us Weekly’s riveting cover story this week details Jessica Simpson’s alleged decline into depression after her maltipoo, Daisy, was snatched by a coyote. Jessica’s mother, Tina, witnessed the coyote “scoop the dog up in its mouth.” Thankfully, Us has created a timeline illustrating Daisy’s presence in Jessica’s life in relation to her failed romantic relationships, in addition to a sidebar of “Her Sad Tweets.” A source told the rag, “[Jessica] feels like she’s being punished for something.” Perhaps for her last album?
  • You know when a cover line says, “Why I Can Trust Scott,” chances are, you totally shouldn’t trust Scott. But in an interview with Kourtney Kardashian and her baby daddy Scott Disick, the pair sounds hopeful. Scott admitted he used to “run around as if I were a teenager,” but things have apparently progressed. “I changed a lot when we made the choice to have a child together.” Funny, cause it seemed like less of a decision and more of an oops!
  • Dustin Diamond was supposedly disappointed in the lack of truth in the “E! True Hollywood Story: Saved by the Bell” and so decided to scribe a tell-all, Behind the Bell. In it, he reveals the cast’s drug use, Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s alleged steroid use, the off-screen hook-ups, and Mario Lopez’s alleged date-rape cover-up. And because not enough bridges were already burnt, he also took stabs at Tori Spelling and Neil Patrick Harris. I can’t imagine why he wasn’t the popular one on the show, but this trashy book sure sounds like a gossip lover’s orgasm. [Us Weekly]
  • According to Star Magazine, John Travolta and Kelly Preston are “Reliving their Nightmare” now that the trial has begun for the man accused of blackmailing John. Allegedly, this guy threatened to leak John’s signed “refusal to transport” document and a cell phone picture of Jett dying. (According to John, he intended to fly Jett to a hospital in Florida before realizing it was too late.) According to a source, John brings Jett’s video games with him everywhere he goes and says he can feel Jett’s presence.
  • Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are allegedly having trouble in paradise, evidenced by Justin flirting with all the gals at his “Saturday Night Live” taping and the fact that he “dirty danced” with Rihanna at the MTV Video Music Awards. Supposedly, he met up with RiRi again later at her hotel. Is it wrong of us to hope Justin is making a play for Rihanna? Just think of the duets they could do!
  • Supposedly, Kanye West is considering rehab after his Hennessey-fueled media suicide at the VMAs. But he can’t jeopardize his upcoming tour with Lady Gaga, so instead he’ll be meeting with a counselor to help with his “emotional issues,” according to a friend. And we’re sure it’s a bestie who would tell Star this. [Star]
  • OMG! Jennifer Aniston is “Pregnant at 40!” OK Weekly has spotted the alleged baby bump that proves it, and since the actress is taking time off until January, the magazine knows she’s preggers since she’s mentioned wanting to be. “I feel [motherhood is] in my future and I’m on the verge of it in some way,” Jen said. On top of the spawn excitement, Jen is also talking to her mom again, who was blacklisted after she penned From Mother and Daughter to Friends: A Memoir. All I can say is, Jen’s got a lot of catching up to do if her babies are going to take on Angie’s brood in a child-on-child wrestling match.
  • OK! has already revealed next week’s cover story—they’re kindly inviting us to the wedding of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. The writer quipped, “If it were a reality show, it might be called “Khloe’s Kwick Kourtship.” Or “KKK” for short? Nice foresight, guys. Khloe insists she’s not preggers, but that she will be a new stepmom to Odom’s two kids. Take that Kourtney!
  • In a super awkward “DWTS” ladies-losing-weight spread, OK! was kind enough to gift us with pictures of Melissa Joan Hart exercising and grinning like a weirdo simultaneously. Melissa says she’s been eating healthy and that “carbo loading is for linebackers.” I’m looking forward to all the future “I’m still not fat now” tabloid covers. In the meantime, I’m carbo loading the heck out of this ramen diet I’m on. [OK! Weekly]
  • Our favorite tab, The National Enquirer, gave us the shocker this week that Whitney Houston told Oprah, “You’re a Liar!” I hoped it was because Whitney had no recollection of the two-episode interview they did last week, but supposedly it’s because Oprah’s two-faced. Whitney was peeved that Oprah said, “We’ve always been good friends.” Whitney responded, “No! You haven’t been my friend. You’re a liar!” Allegedly, after Whitney’s heart-wrenching testimony, instead of comforting the singer, Oprah allegedly was “dancing on air.”
  • Annie Le’s alleged killer, Raymond Clark III, supposedly used steroids and enjoyed abusing animals. According to a police source, “Roid rage is one of the working theories.” On the morning of Le’s murder, Clark sent her a text saying he wanted to talk about the cleanliness of the mouse cages in her research lab. But it sounds like he wasn’t really concerned with the animals’ well-being, since some of his hobbies included feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer-stuffed bread and holding his chihuahua Peanut out a window when he needed to pee.
  • O.J. Simpson’s daughter, Sydney, is apparently worried about her little brother, Justin, who feels abandoned now that his dad is in jail. The 21-year-old recently got tattoos on each of his wrists with the dates of his mother’s birth and death. According to a source, “Though he believes that his father murdered his mother, O.J. was all he had…Justin feels abandoned by the world, and he’s crying out in pain.” How could this boy not be a mess—his life is a story not even the National Enquirer could make up. [National Enquirer]
  • People revealed the love fest that is Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley’s newly babied family. The adorable 10-month-old Naleigh’s parents are already doting the hell out of her. Katherine’s calling herself “the Diaper Queen” and Kelley has already performed a song he wrote for her with the lyrics, “Just to see you in your mama’s arms is all I need, to bring me to my knees.” And while people might have qualms with Heigl’s attitude problems regarding “Grey’s Anatomy,” as a friend said, “They are going to love big.”
  • Thankfully, Megan Fox has another opportunity to spew looney in this issue and finally revealed her celebrity crush. “I like Ellen DeGeneres, especially since she got that new haircut.” Megan was also asked what her future tattoos might be and she answered, “I know I want to finish my arm, I want to put something around Marilyn [Monroe] so she’s not just a floating head!” [People]