Can’t Sleep? Try Brushing Your Teeth

I am an insomniac. And I don’t care how many times my shrink tells me to “try deep breathing” or “meditate before bedtime” or “stop drinking caffeine,” I’m still going to go for the Ambien on sleepless nights. Here’s one bedtime story she’s probably never heard: Pearly Dreams, the toothpaste that puts you to sleep. While this sounds like an “SNL” spoof, it’s for real, patented by the prestigious “Dr. Z.” (no joke). The “sleep enhancing toothpaste” is all natural, and contains melatonin, valerian, mint, and passion flower, which are all supposedly sleep aids. Advises Dr. Z., “Toothpaste is an exceptional delivery system because the tissues in the mouth absorb ingredients into the body instantly.” All it takes is 15 minutes. Weird!

There’s also a “100% Satisfaction Guaranteed” statement, which means this stuff has to work, right? Also, the Tooth Fairy exists. [Inventor Spot]