Phil was right. Women do a lot of silly thing to impress men, most of which involve some sort of chemical substance that can be spritzed or slathered. But he was also correct that women are not alone in their misguided attempts to impress the opposite sex. Men are just as guilty — if not more so, as there’s possibly more pressure on men to impress — of doing all the wrong things to win over a date. Here are a few…1. Stud Talk. If you spit a lot of game, we’re going to expect you to follow through with the shot. On one of my first dates with a guy, he casually mentioned having had a threesome with an ex-girlfriend. Was this supposed to make me think he was some sort of stallion, capable of satisfying not one, but two women? Likewise, dropping hints about being well endowed only makes your inches dwindle in my eyes.
2. Money. A money clip holding a wad of Benjamins in place! Referencing a six-figure salary! Not so casually complaining that you really need to trade in your 2008 Porsche Speedster for a newer model. Bragging about being a high roller may work on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” but makes a regular gal feel like she’s being bought.
3. College. If you are over the age of 23 and still talking about college life as if it was the best time ever, you are not a grownup. Women don’t give a crap if you were the big man on campus in 1997, Van Wilder. Likewise, we are not impressed with constant references to the Ivy League college you attended, nor do we think it’s cool that you still use your @yale.edu email address. We get it. You are super smart and come from money. Who cares?
4. Getting Drunk. Oh wow, you can hold your liquor! Sort of. Look, I don’t date dudes that don’t drink, as a general rule, because I do drink and I would always feel like they were quietly judging me. However, I also don’t date alcoholics. Why are you trying to make yourself look like one on a first date? Share a bottle of wine with me. Save the Jaeger shots for a hot date with Courtney Love.
5. Name-Dropping. Hey, if I were Justin Timberlake’s bestie I might be tempted to brag too. But, in general, bringing up the various celebrities that you’re “friends” with comes off as really desperate and insecure. Unless I am dating you to get to Justin, in which case, call him up and invite him to dinner!
6. The Ex Factor. There are so many ways talking about your ex can go wrong. Talking about what a great boyfriend you were by mentioning all the nice things you did for your last girlfriend is way too personal for a first date. Calling out an ex as being “crazy” just demonstrates exactly how you’ll describe me when we break up. Mentioning the multitude of women you have dated is, I guess, supposed to prove how desirable you are, but just makes you seem like a player.
7. Fitness/Nutrition. Remember the Sneakerhead? Dude was a gym rat and had a bizarre eating regimen that involved him eating only the kinds of food the cave people ate because, like, that’s what our bodies naturally want or something. I found all of this out between dates one and three, as I chowed down heartily on carbs in an attempt to console myself for skipping yoga class again. Guys who talk about all the working out they do only make me feel like they’re hypercritical about their bodies AND mine. His bulging muscles and zero body fat cannot make up for that.