Tabloid Cheat Sheet: RPatz And KStew Getting Hitched? Ali Lohan A Party Animal?

I don’t know about you guys, but this has already been the longest week ever and I could use a vacay. But since that’s out of the question, we’ll have to take a vacation with our minds. What better way to do that than indulge in some trashy tabloid drama? We did the dirty work and packaged the headlines in short, easy-to-read blurbs, cause we like you that much!

According to Star, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are actually dating, for real this time. No, like, seriously. Apparently, the couple had a sexy dinner date at Cliff’s Edge in Silver Lake and, two nights later, Gerard went to Jen’s house late at night with two bottles of Krug champagne. Jen’s apparently already “joked” that they would make beautiful babies together. Guys totally love that, especially if you follow it by rubbing your belly and mention “eating for two.” [Star]
Life & Style Weekly is very concerned for the well-being of Ali Lohan, who’s been out partying with big sis Lindsay. The 15-year-old was seen with her at Crown Bar in Los Angeles, partying until after 1a.m. L&S says home-schooled Ali has been sporting plumped-up lips and looks scary skinny. I don’t really know what people expect. That Ali is going to be a praised scholar or something? She’s already 15—she’s years behind most socialites-in-training! [Life & Style]
The National Enquirer reports that Patrick Swayze went to the hospital just before he died and the doctors told him there was nothing else they could do. According to a source, “He told the doctors that he was not going to take his last breath in a hospital room, smelling alcohol and hearing the beeps from a heart monitor. And that’s just what he did.” In his final words he said, “I’m not afraid to die. I’m going home.” Even his final moments were cinematic. We love you, Patrick! [National Enquirer]
OK! is still dead-set on us believing that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are together, and now they’re getting married … in the movie. Apparently, Kristen will be wearing a vintage satin dress and the reception will be held in a “moonlit garden” at a family home. OK! suggests that a real-life wedding might not be far off though. Keep dreaming, OK!. I guess next week we should expect a pregnancy? [OK! Weekly]
People managed to avoid all the popular news stories this week and instead introduced the world to the new baby of county singer Brad Paisley and his wife, actress Kimberly Williams. Who are they? Booooring. [People]
Us Weekly described the Taylor Swift vs. Kanye West conflict and aftermath. Apparently, Taylor’s mom yelled at Kanye backstage for ruining Taylor’s VMA win, and he didn’t apologize. But last night, Kanye finally called Taylor to personally make good and she accepted. She should totally make him wear a Taylor Swift shirt to the next awards ceremony! [Us Weekly]