21 Reasons Not To Have Sex, From A Former Prude

Confession: I once had a black belt in ways to get out of doin’ it. Until something “snapped” at age 24 and I finally enjoyed sex, I Dreaded having intercourse with a capital D. Don’t get me wrong; I was plenty sexual—I just loathed the part where a guy’s penis entered me and moved around. What was there to enjoy about something that felt like a probing gyno exam where you’re trapped in the stirrups? Lucky for me, something changed last February and I began to desire sex for pleasure, commencing a joyous slutty phase to make up for lost time. But if you’re still stuck in that dark tunnel of crappiness where I was, ages 17 to 24, trust me, I feel for you. Who’d have thunk not many guys in their early 20s would want a sexual relationship with no intercourse?

So, I read with interest the Daily Mail’s list of the top 10 excuses women give to get out of sex, like “I’ve got to get up in the morning” and “You need a shower.” It’s a good start, but I can think of quite a few other ways …

  1. That hurts.
  2. I’m on my period.
  3. I’m dehydrated and/or my blood sugar is low.
  4. I can’t get that horror movie we just watched out of my head and I simply couldn’t sleep with you with that image in my mind!
  5. I have a yeast infection.
  6. We’re out of condoms.
  7. We’re out of lube.
  8. I forgot to take my birth control pills a couple times this month.
  9. I just took a shower and I don’t want to have to clean up again.
  10. It’s too cold in here.
  11. It’s too hot in here.
  12. This bed is too uncomfortable.
  13. God, that deodorant and/or cologne you’re wearing is overpowering!
  14. I’d rather read before bed.
  15. We should get tested for STDs first.
  16. Your sheets are dirty.
  17. This bed squeaks too much.
  18. We’re too drunk right now.
  19. Not until you get that bump on your penis checked out.
  20. My bikini wax is growing back in.
  21. Stop nagging me!

What other reasons have you used to get out of sex?