Doin’ It With Dr. V: The Morning-After Pill

Over the weekend, I got an urgent letter from a lady who thinks she might be knocked-up. Here’s what she wrote:

“My boyfriend always pulls out when we’re having sex. He’s usually super reliable, but last night he slipped up and came inside me. I freaked at him, but then this morning I got my period, thank god. So I’m in the clear, right?”

Um, sorry hot stuff, the answer is no. You can get preggers even during your period. I know, it sucks, but that’s why I’m urgently answering your email. Lucky for you, there’s the morning-after pill (aka, Plan B). It’s an over-the-counter miracle! By preventing conception, it stops you from having to answer that existential question: Should I be a mom, right now?For the record — though the Guttmacher Institute recently recommended that sex educators start teaching the withdrawal method as a form of birth control — it is not yet considered a form of protection. If you’re going to party with your pants off, you’ve got to party responsibly. Get on birth control or use condoms.

That said, the one time I had to rely on Plan B was because a condom broke. (I always use protection!) So, rather than spend the next couple months peeing on pregnancy tests, I decided to just take Plan B. Because it’s available over the counter (unless you’re under the age of 17), I didn’t need to call a doctor; I didn’t need to make an appointment; I didn’t need to stress myself out. No amount of showering, peeing, etcetera, can stop super-swimmer sperm. I simply walked into my local drugstore the next morning on my way to work and asked the pharmacist for whatever would make me safe … since our sex wound up not being so. I took the two-pill version, although they have a one-pill treatment as well. It cost 50 bucks, a small price to pay to keep my freedom. But at health centers, like Planned Parenthood, it is available for cheaper.

The key is speed. The sooner you take Plan B, the better. You’ve got 72 hours to pop the precautionary pill(s). Sure, there are some side effects, but none of them involve carrying something that weighs 7 lbs 8 ozs. Phew!

In my experience, the hormones in Plan B makes you PMS to the max for about five days. I felt it first in my abdomen. My indoor girl parts were like, “WTF did you do to me, lady?!” I was crampin’ up like a fat kid trying to run a marathon. Plus, I transformed into Optimus Bitch. I kept joking that I played the head-spinning puking chick in “The Exorcist” because at the drop of a hat I would snap. Charming, really.

Also, I was tired physically, just exhausted. Even though I still tried to get it on again with the man I nearly made that baby with, I just couldn’t go through with the sex. ME! For one, I didn’t want to move because I was tired and cranky. And it hurt, in the bad way, not in the way I usually enjoy sexy times. So I told him that while his penis was usually too hot to handle, now it was just impossible. He, of course, understood and we agreed that we would make babies in a condom at a later date.

On the upside, all those hormones also made me hungry for deliciousness. I ate nutritious choices like mac-and-cheese and chocolate-covered Rice Krispie treats, guilt-free. Mmm. And my next period was lighter. Bonus! While at the time I wanted to take a day off work, I wound up completing the week, four out of five days, without anyone noticing I was trying not to be with child. But you know, don’t push yourself. If you wanna go fetal, do it! You definitely have the right to be selfish when you’re all B-ed up.

What did I learn from all of this? A lot, actually. When the condom split, one thing went through my mind — OMG, STD risk. Thankfully, I already knew we both had gotten tested and we were cool. If I had to ask him the STD question in that moment, man, that would have been insult to injury. I’m glad I already knew what I was getting into. Never be shy about asking a partner, even if you use condoms — and by “if” I mean, USE THEM, always (unless you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship). They’re just not a foolproof plan, unfortch.

Another thing I learned — nice guys don’t get freaked-out. They support you. He didn’t run, yell, or tell me what to do. At the time, he was concerned for me. We talked it all out openly over the next few days. We were both sorry, because accidents happen. And I felt especially lucky that I was with someone I could trust. Heck, the dude even offered to pay for the pills when I told him that was my escape plan! He had my back through the whole process and called to check in on me a bunch. We still dated after the debacle. No harm, no foul. Now, if your man starts trippin’, kick him to the curb!

We kept on using condoms during sexytime fun, but we tried a different brand that fit him better. So gents, if it feels too tight or too loose, it is! You gotta get your prophylactic right before you get down. There’s no such thing as one size fits all.

And lastly, I’m going to go all sentimental on you: I’m grateful to live in a time when we ladies have choices, thanks to the brave women who came before us. While the morning-after pill prevents pregnancy, it’s actually a life saver. Sure, I want to have a baby someday, but I want to be ready for it. Right now, I’m just a broke-ass ho. To be a mama, I’ll need some money in the bank and a plan. In the meantime, if a mistake happens, I’m glad we all have a readily available back-up plan, Plan B.

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor; I just play one on the internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked-out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too!