Trailer Park: “9,” “Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself,” “Whiteout,” “Sorority Row”

I almost feel guilty telling you to go to the movies this weekend, because at least half of this week’s releases never had a chance. But on the brighter side, “9” looks kind of amazing; “Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself” doesn’t star Madea; “Whiteout” might help you survive an arctic murder mystery of your own one day; and characters you probably wouldn’t like anyway die in “Sorority Row.” Yay!

The Movie: “9”
The Trailer: The computer-generated animation that makes up the post-apocalyptic backdrop for “9” was originally created for director Shane Acker’s 2005 Oscar-nominated short. And in conceiving the survivors, Acker decided it should be creatures built from “bits and pieces of leftover objects.” The misfit rag-doll creatures voiced by Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, and John C. Reilly must defend themselves against giant machines that destroyed the humans before them. Also, they have to figure out why they exist at all. [EW]
The Hitch: The rather morbid premise makes this more of an adult animation flick. With Tim Burton producing, it’s bound to be just as dark as it should be. Plus: the actors doing the voices are all awesome.

The Movie: “Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself”
The Trailer: Oscar-nominated actress Taraji P. Henson stars as a drunken, selfish lounge singer who is forced to take in her niece and nephews as well as a hot immigrant (Adam Rodriguez). When they show up at her door, they teach her how to feel feelings. Her ball-busting bestie (Mary J. Blige), Gladys Knight, and (unfortunately) Madea help along the way.
The Hitch: I have never watched a Tyler Perry movie, but since he’s made seven allegedly successful movies in the past five years, someone obviously does. I just can’t stand the “Madea Goes to Jail” commercials, as someone I know said recently, “I would go see that movie if it were called “Madea Dies In the First Five Minutes And Other Stuff Happens.” But this movie looks pretty good otherwise. Why muss it up with hokey grandparent figures?

The Movie: “Whiteout”
The Trailer: Set in Antarctica, Kate Beckinsale stars as an unnecessarily hot U.S. marshal who’s investigating a homicide at an American research station. I guess she has a limited amount of daylight to find the pickax-wielding killer before six months of night falls upon them and there will be “nothing but white.” As Entertainment Weekly quipped, “How cold is it in Antarctica? Cold enough for hands to freeze—but lips to remain kidding soft. Or at least that’s the bad news/good news for Kate.” [EW]
The Hitch: Based on a graphic novel, “Whiteout” might not translate as well onto the screen. Since EW already ripped this movie a new one, I’m going to be kinda gentle: Dear Kate Beckinsale, you are a beautiful, talented actress. Why, oh why, do you choose such awful movies?!

The Movie: “Sorority Row”
The Trailer: A group of sorority girls accidentally get one of their fellow sisters murdered in a would-be prank and, of course, they decide never to talk about it ever again and go on with their lives. But after graduation, an angry killer totally knows what they did last semester and goes after them … and their boyfriends, I guess.
The Hitch: Based on the 1983 classic horror film, this “Sorority Row” stars people you may know from reality TV like Audrina Patridge and Jamie Chung, as well as newcomer Rumer Willis. What I’m wondering is why killing hot girls is supposed to be something everyone wants to see? Wouldn’t they want the hot girls to live?