Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Has Swayze Given Up Hope? Ellen Pompeo’s Cheating Husband?

It’s not even technically hump day since it’s a four-day week, so why are you even pretending you’re tired? To be fair, you blew too many brain cells on Labor Day weekend, and heaven knows you blew too many dollars. So save yourself from losing more of either by getting all your tabloid goo in one go, cause we’ve picked the most important cover stories from all the grainiest of tabloids. Enjoy!

Kim and Khloe Kardashian are on the cover of Life & Style this week, divulging their diet secrets. In other words, they’re promoting their new supplement system QuickTrim, as well as Kim’s fitness DVD “Fit in Your Jeans by Friday.” Apparently, Khloe lost 25 pounds and Kim lost 10 pounds which just “fell off” after years of battling with weight. I hate this because I will always fall for it. I already went looking for the supplements, just like I did when Anna Nicole Smith peddled TrimSpa. I hate myself. [Life & Style]
The National Enquirer has never been one for subtle coverlines, but “PATRICK SWAYZE GOES HOME TO DIE,” seriously!?! Apparently Swayze and his wife Lisa Niemi have decided to stay close to home in Los Angeles to be close to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where Swayze received regular treatments for pancreatic cancer which recently spurred a heart attack and chronic intestinal infection. Swayze told his wife he wanted to go on his own terms, in his own bed. We love you Johnny Castle! [National Enquirer]
Now that LeAnn Rimes and the ridiculously pretty Eddie Cibrian are gallivanting around in bathing suits, Us Weekly is reporting that their exes Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville are bonding together. The exes met on the set of the pair’s Lifetime movie, “Northern Light,” and together they’ve “put the pieces together about the last few months, and they’re developing a good friendship.” Maybe they’ll fall in love and it will be like an accidental swingers party gone wrong? [Us Weekly]
According to OK! Magazine, the recently, allegedly engaged Robert Pattinson is putting his career in serious jeopardy by glomming onto “Twilight” co-star Kristen Stewart. Not only are all his Tiger Beat-reading fans going to be bummed, but the “Twilight” producers don’t want the real-life relationship to get in the way of the upcoming plotline where Bella is supposed to be in love with a werewolf. An insider said, “The producers took Rob and Kris aside and told them to keep their relationship under wraps for a few more months. But they’re so much in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other.” Wait, so she just falls in love with a different creature every movie? Maybe they should rethink the plot anyway? [OK! Magazine]
In actual news, People reported on Jaycee Dugard’s crazy story after being found alive 18 years after her kidnapping, reuniting with her family, and finding a new life for her and her two daughters. Her alleged captors, Phillip Garrido, who is a convicted rapist and fathered Jaycee’s 11-year-old 15-year-old daughters, and his wife Nancy, plead not guilty and are in jail awaiting trial. Jaycee’s mother says in the interview, “We need to be aware of our neighbors. We need to be aware of suspicious circumstances…It takes a village to raise a child, and it also takes a village to protect a child.” Serio, I watch my neighbors with binoculars. [People]
In more bum-out possible-cheater news, Star Magazine reports that Ellen (the very pregnant) Pompeo’s music producer husband, Chris Ivery, has been cheating on her with a 19-year-old hostess in his hometown, Boston. The hostess, Rachel Artz, confirmed they’ve been intimate “several times” in the past three months and apparently Chris told her he’d make her a star. According to an insider, he “didn’t seem to like Ellen much when he talked about her. He made her seem like a diva.” WTF? One child at a time, man! [Star Magazine]