Dudes of the world: You are very sexy. You are very tempting. You are very hard … to say no to. Believe me! But sometimes, my V isn’t willing to accept the gift that is your P. So before you go getting down on yourself, here are the real reasons I won’t have sex with you after a date, even if it went well…
- Too Drunk To Screw: I might puke and I’d rather not do it while either aerobically sexercising or encouraging my gag reflex over a beej. Besides, do you really want to test if we’re at that “I’ll hold your hair!” stage?
- First Is The Worst: I may want to do you after a first date, but conventional wisdom has told me not to. I might have dry-humped your jeans bald, but, I’m not taking them off. I’m just worried that if we do too much too fast it’ll just turn into a fling. So, please, at least give us until date three.
- Rag Time: I’m sorry, I can’t. Believe me, if I could ditch Aunt Flo, I would. But day one is no fun for anyone. I’ll get back to you in a few. And no, my butt doesn’t automatically become an option when my va-jay is out of commission.
- Achy Breaky Stomach: Whatever we ate is not agreeing with me — I’ll spare you the deets about my potential diarrhea sitch.
- Trim Spa: I wasn’t expecting to want to do you, so I didn’t trim the hedges. I don’t want you to see me like this … yet. Let me have my illusions.
- House Guest: I’m doing someone a favor, so I can’t give you sexual ones.
- Get Friendly: We have mutual friends. They love to gossip about us. And after I treat you to a night with me the joy will be all over your face. I don’t want our pals thinking I’m easy because it’ll just be awkward at every party we get invited to. Good things come to those who wait.
- Hot Mess: My place is a mess. The CDC has advised me against putting my bare ass down on any of it. And I don’t want you thinking I’m a dirty ho, at least in the bad way.
- Cold Feet: I feel like I’m coming down with something. Rather than infect you and not perform at my best, I’ll just call it a night. Rain, er, sneeze check?
- Rise And Shine: I’ve got an early morning meeting and messy bedhead will block my PowerPoint presentation.
- Granny Panties: My underwear is hideous. I’d slip it off first, but then it’ll look like I don’t wear undies. And I’m just not that kinda girl!
- Practice Makes Perfect: You haven’t proven you’re going to be good in the sack. I don’t do a dude until I’m convinced we’ve not only got chemistry but we’re also in sync enough for gettin’ busy. So let’s keep practicing by making out.
- Crotch Monkeys: Yeast infections happen and they’re embarrassing. I need the Moni-(to work)-stat!
- Brokenhearted: I don’t want to use you to screw the pain away. I’m just not ready to be dickmatized by a new guy yet. Give me just a little more time to open up my heart to you and my legs may follow.
- Use Protection: You can’t remember the last time you got tested for STDs. You’re not worth me potentially having to quarantine my vagina. Go see a doc. We can get down when I know you’re not hazardous to my health.
