15 Things You Don’t Want To Know About Your Boyfriend’s Ex

Everyone carries with them a little piece of whoever they’ve loved before and nowhere is this more painfully apparent than when you have to deprogram your boyfriend’s expectation that all women are controlling shebeasts. In time, your guy will stop cowering in fear and asking you, “Is that OK? Are you sure?” every time he wants to hang out with his friends.

Fortunately, other ways his last girlfriend rubbed off on him will be much more benign. However, you might find that some of her beliefs—which are now his beliefs—are equally annoying. Sorry, dude, but there’s only room for two people in a relationship—and believe me, I am well aware she’s the reason you’d die on the barricades defending Ralph Nader as a stellar presidential candidate. After the jump, 15 things you really don’t need to know about his ex…

  1. She thinks that redneck stand-up comic guy who’s always on Comedy Central is really funny.
  2. She never used butter. Ever. But she was a great cook.
  3. She had a Brazilian.
  4. His mom just loved her. His grandma loved her even more. Even the cat loved her. And the cat doesn’t like anyone.
  5. She is certain the Earth has been visited by aliens before.
  6. She thought tampons and pads were wasteful so she saved all her period blood in The Keeper.
  7. She carried a reusable coffee cup everywhere instead of getting new ones at Starbucks every time.
  8. She had a job where she got lots of cool, free stuff, like concert tickets, clothes, makeup or drinks.
  9. She’s besties with Lily Allen. And Alexa Chung.
  10. She thought “feminists” were outdated, bossy and sanctimonious.
  11. She could parallel park better than you can.
  12. She didn’t need a Valium to fly.
  13. She thinks anti-depressants are over-prescribed and voiced that opinion all the time.
  14. She didn’t think bed sheets needed to be washed until they start to smell.
  15. He misses her.