The Proper Protocol For Dissing An Ex

On last night’s “Letterman,” Anne Heche spent a seriously large chunk of time making fun of her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon, whom she divorced in 2007 before shacking up with her “Men In Trees” co-star, James Tupper. She not only called Coley a “lazy ass,” but took things even further, having this to say about Coley’s current occupation:
“He goes out to the mailbox and he opens up the little mailbox door and goes, ‘Oh! I got a check from Anne! Oh! I got a check from Anne! Yay!'”

After a few minutes of this tirade, Anne started to look pretty vengeful. I mean, really, trash-talking your ex on national TV is just … sad and kind of pathetic. Right? If you must vent some anger over an ex, please keep in mind these 10 rules.1. Only take potshots at your ex in one-on-one and small group situations. Divulging the deets of your dating life to a large group of people leaves a bad impression and makes you look like the loser.

2. Name-calling is juvenile. Instead, give a specific anecdote about your ex that illustrates your larger point.

3. Keep all ex dissing to under two minutes of conversation. More than that is exhausting. Even for your BFF or family members.

4. Bedroom trash-talking is an absolute no-no. Don’t talk about penis size (that means you, Jessica Simpson), stamina, or that weird thing he did right before he … well, you know.

5. Never, I repeat never, talk about STDs. Chances are if your ex has ‘em, so do you.

6. Beware of whom you’re trash-talking to. In other words: no mutual friends or family members.

7. Always go for complaints that are funny, not mean. Angry rants only make things awkward. Notice how in many parts of this Anne Heche interview no one is laughing? Pin. Drop.

8. For added impact, use the phrase “I’ve never told anyone this … ” before launching into your beef. I mean, of course you have, but let them think their ear is special.

9. As tempting as it is, don’t make blanket statements about “all marriages” or “all men.” It’s your relationship that didn’t work, not all of them.

10. Don’t exaggerate. It’ll only dilute your point.