Tabloid Cheat Sheet: Melanie Griffith & Brad Pitt Rehab Bound? Kendra & Kourtney Breastfeeding?

Just when you’ve eased into your week, the tabloids try to elbow their way in to distract you from your work. Look away! But you can’t. You must know who’s in love, who’s in rehab, and who’s having a much worse week than you. It’s only natural that you indulge in some guilty reading and we’ve summed up the top stories so you don’t have to even leave your desk/house. You’re welcome.

The National Enquirer says that Angie is sending Brad to rehab after she caught him getting high. Brad recently told Bill Maher that he’d retired the pipe because it “turns him into a ‘damn donut.'” But then Quentin Tarantino told Howard Stern all about Brad smoking up. “[Brad] had a big brick of hash,” said Quentin on-air. “He whipped out a knife like Jesse James and cut me off a big sliver. I thought ‘Oh God this should be in a movie.'” [National Enquirer]
According to Us Weekly, even though they have humongo breast implants, both Kendra Wilkinson and Kourtney Kardashian plan on breastfeeding when they give birth in December. Both ladies were unsure of the possibility of breastfeeding. Kendra said, “I was so scared that I wasn’t going to be able to nurse that when I saw stuff come out of my nipples the other day, I was like, ‘I can breastfeed?’ And I asked my doctor, who said, ‘That’s fine, but it’s not milk yet!'” [Us Weekly] — Wait, what is it before milk? Also, do you think these gals will be making ice cream with their milk?
The tabloids, or at least OK! Weekly, would like to have us believe that Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are dating and apparently their idea of a fun date includes watching horror movies, going out to romantic dinners, and playing Wii tennis. [OK!] — This is only disturbing because I had this exact date last night.
Life & Style had the audacity to feature Jennifer Aniston’s “How I Stay Thin!” story next to Brangelina’s vacation family album on the cover this week. Sure it’s an issue about celebrity diets, but I’m still psyched. Apparently, Jen can lose five pounds in five days on a strict diet and she does this before all her films. On top of the diet, Jen often gets up at 5 a.m. to run before they start filming for up to 17 hours. The 40-year-old actress said in the interview, “I feel more comfortable today than I ever did in my 20s or early 30s.” [Life&Style] — Well, I guess there’s still hope for chubby 20-year-olds!
According to Star Magazine, Kelly Preston and John Travolta are being “torn apart with grief” over their son Jett’s death. Since the couple practices Scientology and to admit that Jett had a disorder would be to label him a “degraded being” who brought his affliction onto himself, the couple probably harbors a lot of guilt from his passing. [Star] — Yeah, duh.
People confirms that Melanie Griffith has checked herself into rehab at the Cirque Lodge in Utah. According to her rep, “She is there to reinforce her commitment to stay healthy. This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago.” This is Griffith’s second rehab stint—in 2000, she went to “step down from” prescribed pain killers. [People] — This time, maybe’s she “stepping down” from plastic surgery? Rehab sounds nice. I wish could go on doctor-prescribed vacations!