The 24 Types Of Sex

By: Simcha / August 25, 2009

I don%u2019t know what you did last night, hot stuff. But I have a feeling one of these lines might make you blush. Let%u2019s talk about sex, baby! And all the different ways we get down and dirty. 1. Break Up: When you know you%u2019ll never do it again … sigh. Didn%u2019t we almost have it all? Well, now I%u2019ll have you one last time.

2. Make Up: I nearly lost you. But now that I can do you again, I will do you again, and with extra enthusiasm.

3. Thank You: Those diamond earrings just earned you the BJ of your life. You made me grateful, now I want you to be too.

4. Hate: Your dream girl is Sarah Palin, while I campaigned for Obama. Let%u2019s stop debating and start really messing with each other%u2019s point of view.

5. Drunken: Too screwed-up to completely screw. You%u2019re way sedated and can%u2019t get off, so you just pass out.

6. Too Tired: Like doin%u2019 it with a sex doll. You%u2019re too sleepy to get creative, athletic, or orgasmic. But the other person isn%u2019t…

7. One-Night Stand: Could overlap with the drunken, hate, and pity screws. But there%u2019s something so seductive about doin%u2019 it like there%u2019s no tomorrow.

8. Reckless: You go so wild, something breaks. Hopefully, it’s the lamp on your nightstand, not something that’ll land you on our list of Weird Sex Accidents.

9. Pity: You feel bad for him, and before you know it, he’s feeling you up. Later, you feel bad for yourself.

10. Wedding Night: Even if you%u2019ve waited until marriage to get it on, you%u2019re pooped from partying. But you want to seal that deal ASAP to make those I dos legal. Which brings us to…

11. Morning: As ’60s folk swinger Donovan can tell you, he always wakes up ready to go. Convenient.

12. Afternoon Delight: AKA %u201CThe Nooner.%u201D You got a lunch hour, and that is all the time you need to meet up and beat it.

13. Can%u2019t Sleep: I can%u2019t sleep. So, I%u2019m going to wake you — all of you — up.

14. Teary: Sometime you cry because it%u2019s so good, sometimes you cry because it%u2019s so bad.

15. Quickie: You%u2019re on the go and you need to get some, fast. It%u2019s amazing how you can get off in 15 minutes, when, say, you%u2019re worried someone will figure out what you%u2019re doing in that airplane bathroom.

16. Pitch A Tent: Two floozies in a flimsy shelter is strangely sexy, even to a city girl. Hey, in a small space, you gotta make do.

17. Guilt: You owe them one for that nice steak dinner. And you know if you screw them, you%u2019ll settle the score.

18. Like A Virgin: When you decide to do something kinky that you%u2019ve never done, you%u2019re not just knockin%u2019 boots, and your knees are knocking too. You feel so innocent, even if you%u2019re an experienced woman like Madonna.

19. First Time: A ceremonial/painful rite of passage. Whether it%u2019s replete with scented candles and slow jams or a tumble in the back of his truck, it’s always an eye opener.

20. Phone/IM/Cyber: Technology is really doin’ it! But you have to be a good actor to make these as exciting.

21. Bad: Sometimes it%u2019s too late to realize you%u2019ve got no chemistry and they%u2019ve got no skills.

22. Reunion: Taking a stroll down memory lane. You think you know all his/her moves, but then they surprise you with what they%u2019ve learned since you last boned. Just try not to think about who taught them those extras.

23. Meat & Potatoes: You%u2019ve got it down. Kiss kiss, bang bang. Works every time.

24. Trophy: You just want to win one. You are a sex champion, my friend.