“Twilight” Sells Out More Than We Thought Possible

It’s official: “Twilight” is the sell-out of the century. In fact, it could even be the sell-out of the millennium. I liked the books, but then there was the movie which spawned obnoxious Robert Pattinson fangirls and incessant Kristen Stewart gossip. This was followed by fugly “Twilight” gear and a weekly TV show dedicated to the making of “New Moon.” Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Summit and Creation Entertainment have teamed up to produce “Twlight” fan conventions. These ridic things are coming to a bunch of major U.S. cities, complete with panel discussions, parties, musical performances, screenings, competitions, auctions, and, of course, merchandising opportunities. Oh yeah, and celebs will show up for pics and autographs. The details are fuzzy but check out my predictions, after the jump. [NY Times]

  • Everyone there will be under 15 and female, with massive amounts of tween estrogen surging through their bodies.
  • Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won’t be there. Face it: They have better things to do. Plus, if R-Patz showed up at one of these things, I’m pretty sure the world would implode. Look out for the B-listers from the first flick, though.
  • Gang-like fights will break out as “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward” battle over who is number one. Gang members can be easily identified by their black t-shirts with hazy pictures of their fave hottie emblazoned on the front.
  • The “parties” will actually be a bunch of sweaty girls wearing body glitter and dancing to music by Robert Pattinson’s band “Bad Girls” and songs from the “Twilight” soundtrack. As an aside, R-Patz has a terrible voice. He sounds like he’s being choked and drowned when he sings.
  • At least one girl at each convention will claim to be pregnant with Robert Pattinson’s baby. The others will say they don’t believe her, but at night they’ll secretly wonder…
  • The panel discussions will attempt to cover topics like the technical aspects of how the movie was filmed, but will quickly disintegrate when girls start yelling out things like, “What does Robert look like in person?” and “Jacob is way hotter!” The panelists will give up and sit quietly, waiting for the shouting to subside. It’s OK; they probably didn’t even work on the movie anyway.
  • The parents of several fans will have to declare bankruptcy after their kids place exorbitant bids on items that someone who knew Robert might have possibly touched. Once.

OK, so maybe I’m being too harsh here. Would you go to a “Twilight” fan convention?