Tabloid Cheat Sheet: John Edwards’ Baby Mama, Kourtney’s Abortion Dilemma, Jon & Kate Plus Annoying

This week’s humpday brought on lots of, well, humping. If it’s not about baby daddys, baby mamas, or new relationships, it’s not in the tabloids this week. And let me remind you—it is the time of the season for loving. If you haven’t had a summer fling (or five), it’s time to claim yours and get in some kissing under the boardwalk. And because you should be busy with your summer lovin’, I’m going to recap this week’s tabloids so you can’t use reading them as an excuse to stay in tonight.

This week’s Us Weekly cover story explains why Bradley Cooper chose Renee Zellweger over Jennifer Aniston. And though they don’t give much away besides confirming that Brad and Renee are indeed dating and traveled to Spain together, I’m sure the reason they offered probably had to do with Jennifer being doomed with men or something. [Us Weekly]
According to the National Enquirer, John Edwards has decided to move his baby mama, Rielle Hunter, and their daughter Frances into his neighborhood in North Carolina, much to his wife’s dismay. Since the DNA test, Edwards and Hunter have been working with lawyers to figure out child support payments and, supposedly, Edwards wants to help raise their 18-month-old daughter. When Edwards told his wife Elizabeth (who has cancer) that they were moving in to the neighborhood, she allegedly started packing her bags. I get that he’s trying to do the right thing, but what about doing the right thing for your wife, dude? [National Enquirer]
This week, Life & Style reported that Jon Gosselin’s ex-girlfriend Kate Major called him a “dirtbag” and talked about how he would try to sneak her into the house when the kids were asleep, only took her to fast food restaurants, and used her for sex before dumping her via text message. Hmm, sounds a lot like high school if you switch “kids were asleep” with “parents were asleep.” [Life & Style]
People talked to Kourtney Kardashian about her decision to keep her baby instead of seeking an abortion. Kourtney seriously considered terminating the pregnancy, but had support from her reconciled ex-boyfriend Scott Disick, the 26-year-old baby daddy, and decided she wanted to keep it. “For me, all the reasons why I wouldn’t keep the baby were so selfish: It wasn’t like I was raped, it’s not like I’m 16. I’m 30 years old, I make my own money, I support myself, I can afford to have a baby. And I am with someone who I love, and have been with for a long time.” I’m down with her thoughtful response and the fact that she brought up abortion at all. It’s better than pretending it wasn’t an accident. [People]
OK! Magazine has been all about the bathing suit bodies lately. This week, they detail “The View” co-host Sherri Shepherd’s 41-pound weight loss on the Fresh Diet plan, eating five meals a day. Sherri also has a Lifetime show and autobiography coming out in October. I eat five meals a day too, but they consist of pizza and peanut butter. Maybe Sherri has the better plan? [OK!]
Kate Gosselin was all over the blogs when Jon wouldn’t let her into the house last weekend, but Star Magazine cleared things up … kinda. Supposedly, the eight-year-old twins called Kate when Jon started feeling up the babysitter, aspiring nude model Stephanie Santoro. Kate rushed to the house and the police came after she got in a screaming match with Jon. But Santoro’s ex-boyfriend thinks Kate was right to worry, saying she is crazy. “That girl is a danger to the kids. My message to Kate would be to not allow her children to be around her.” And, uh, why is Jon still around? Shouldn’t he be wearing Ed Hardy and making out with strippers in Vegas now? [Star]