Dudes: Please Stop Waxing Your Chests!

When did guys start waxing their chests? All I have to say about that is: It’s got to stop. If we wanted you to look like us, we’d date us. We want guys to look like guys, no matter how hirsute that makes you. That’s why we love you. Because you are what we are not. True story: I think the first time I saw some guy’s chest hair waxed into a distinct shape was about seven years ago. I was on the set of an adult movie. The guy was Ron Jeremy. And his chest hair had been waxed into the shape of … a heart. It was both totally horrifying and vaguely endearing. Now, this manscaping epidemic has gone too far.

In “Why Men Shouldn’t Wax Their Chests,” an aesthetician says I couldn’t be more wrong. Today’s women, she reports, are “repelled by hairy chests nowadays. Chest hair is — I really hate to say it — an unacceptable thing.” A criminal past, maybe. Chest hair unacceptable? I don’t think so, lady.

Some fellows didn’t get the message, though. Mixed martial arts fighter Kimbo Slice has made a habit of shaving his chest hair into a variety of topiary-like configurations. Witness: the one-boobed crescent moon, the fur spear of death, and the hairy crucifixion.

I say, stop the madness. Let your weeds grow wild. Put an end to the manscaping insanity.