What makes you swoon? I once swooned on a walk across a bridge in Central Park when my now-husband pointed to something below, and I looked down and saw the words “Wendy, will you marry me?” When I turned back around, he was down on a knee, holding my great-grandmother’s engagement ring. Swoon! I swoon when he brings home flowers for no reason at all, when he tells me I look lovely, and when I see how great he is with his niece and nephew. I wouldn’t swoon, however, if my man happened to “grasp my hand” when a beautiful, scantily-clad woman walked past us. Would you? Men’s Health seems to think this bizarre-o action is the key to a woman’s heart, seeing as they’ve included it in their list of 41 Ways To Make A Woman Swoon. In fact, almost the entire list seems to suggest that we women are insecure, needy, child-like creatures. After the jump, check out some of the other sad, sexist, and just plain odd ways they suggest making us swoon, and why they’re ridiculous.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
Why stop at that? I say if you really want to make us swoon, stick your tongue down our throats when you introduce us to your family. Tear our clothes off and fondle the goods! Come on, let’s show everyone how IN LOVE you are with me!! Swoon!
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
Oh, yeah, dude. If that doesn’t get a chick in your pants, nothing will! She’ll pull out a box of old photos, you’ll appropriately “ooh” and “ahh” over what a cutie she was, and BOOM! It’s clothes-off time. Bonus points if you say something like, “If you were that cute as a kid, imagine what our babies will look like!” Big-time swoon.
11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
Yes, immediately. Drop whatever you’re doing — even if you’re at work — and rush over. Chances are, she’s watching “The Notebook” again, and the only thing that will get her through the tears is your warm embrace and tender words of love. Hurry!!
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
Seriously, how would we ever survive without you?
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
Yes, anything. A piece of gum, one of those free postcards you can get next to the bathrooms in bars, a receipt for last week’s haircut, even! We don’t care what the hell it is, as long as there’s something in the mail from you to us to show how much you care.
19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
Well, except Megan Fox, but don’t tell her that! I mean, geez, she’s already insecure enough as it is, poor thing.
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
Key word being “desperately.” If you aren’t desperate, how will we know how much you really love us?
23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
Yeah, because it’s not like WE care about the game at all, please. We didn’t even realize baseball was a summer sport!
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
How else will we know how much you missed us while you were away?
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
Harder! No, harder! Hug until we can’t breathe, and our eyes pop out of our sockets, and you feel us go limp in your arms. Hug until you’ve killed us with your love. Good, all better now. Phew, that was a close one!
27. Worship her breasts.
Because, really, let’s be honest — other than our cooking and BJ skills, there’s not much else about women to worship, right?
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
I was going to suggest giving her a simple, inexpensive bouquet for no reason at all, but then I realized, oh wait, expensive flowers are way more meaningful! Please, screw up more often!!!
41. If she’s too stressed to want sex …
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.
Well … OK. But only if you’re worshiping our breasts at the same time.