Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here today to remember our dear friend pole dancing.
Beloved by frat boys, horny old men, and starlets in desperate need of attention, pole dancing may have enjoyed decades more of life had not Miley Cyrus pole-danced at the Teen Choice Awards last night. The chipmunk-cheeked 16-year-old Disney Channel star sidled up to a stripper pole atop an ice cream cart, accessorizing her short-shorts with a crucifix necklace. Instead of actually stripping like a big girl (you know Lindz or Britney would have done it!), Miley held the pole with one hand while bopping her head to “Party In The USA.”
Miley’s mom-ager, Trish, and her dad, Billy Ray, undoubtedly patted themselves on the back over their girl’s publicity-grabbing performance, which was not technically pole dancing in any way that would make the folks at Disney VERY ANGRY.
The rest of us wiped our eyes, muffled our sniffles and lamented the days when a grown woman like Pamela Anderson dancing around a pole was actually considered edgy.