A “Saved by the Bell” Porno? Eleven Other ’90s TV Skin Flicks We Bet Will Soon Be In The Works

Ami Angelowicz / August 10, 2009

Who cares about the “Saved By The Bell” reunion? Think “Saved by the Bell” sexual union instead. Yes, the folks at Hustler are hard at work on a porn parody of our friends at Bayside High: “This Ain’t Saved by the Bell XXX.” Noooo! I don’t want to see Mr. Belding call Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley, pre-“Showgirls”) into the principal’s office for a spanking. Or Kelly Kapowski perform a strip routine on a pole at The Max, seductively removing her Keds and cutoff jean shorts. Or Screech getting shoved in his locker naked! Come to think of it, I bet they could get Dustin Diamond to participate after all. Point being: I’m so excited … I mean … I’m so scared! This was my childhood, dammit!

After the jump, more ’80s and ’90s television shows we have a feeling will soon go XXX.

  1. Family Ties: Yes, I own the “Family Ties” board game. So what? I do want to see conservatives and liberals getting along—not experimenting with bondage.
  2. Facts of Life: A bunch of high school girls sharing a dorm room? It’s too easy. Tootie, Blair, Natalie, Jo. Keep those ugly polyester uniforms on!
  3. 21 Jump Street: OK, maybe I do want to see Johnny Depp (officer Tom Hanson) naked while reciting my Miranda rights.
  4. Golden Girls: Some people have a fetish for the “mature ladies.” No more commentary.
  5. Family Matters: Steve Urkel is not the hot next-door neighbor anyone would want to show up asking to borrow sugar (translation: have sex in the kitchen). Besides, Jaimee Foxworth (who played Judy on the show) swears her days as a porno actress are over. Just ask Oprah.
  6. Growing Pains: Mike “Beaver” (Kirk Cameron) watches his “member” come of age. Dr. “Beaver,” a psychiatrist (Alan Thicke), helps clients with their sexual problems. WRONG!
  7. Full House: I think the Olsen twins are about due for a porno parody, don’t you think? Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos. No, no, and maybe?
  8. Blossom: Blossom wears a floral dress and bowler hat and dances sexily. Six has a sixsome? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so.
  9. Who’s the Boss? I don’t want to see Tony Danza and Judith Light participating in S&M.
  10. Silver Spoons: Ricky rides Alfonso around on his giant toy train. All aboard!
  11. Different Strokes: It has the word “strokes” in the title. What you talkin’ about, Willis? If you don’t know, I can’t tell you.