Mystery Solved: Joaquin Phoenix Is Really A Superhero

I must admit that I was a little bit devastated when former hottie, Joaquin Phoenix, took a trip to the dark side about six months ago. In his suitcase, he packed a beard, dark sunglasses, a rapping career, and a lot of controversy. The question that has been nagging at me ever since: Is he on vacation or moving there for good? Despite theories (I have my own, which I will share with you shortly) that he may be making this particular trip due to mental illness or as a publicity stunt for a documentary with pal Casey Affleck, it looks like he may be extending his stay. How do we know? He forgot a few key items and made a special trip to pick them up at a clothing joint on Melrose called RED BALLS.Before I tell you about his little spree, let’s take a moment to let that sink in. There is a store called RED BALLS. As I’m sure you can predict, the rest of the evidence I am about to share is rather compelling. So, what items did Joaquin need to pick up at RED BALLS, you ask? The National Enquirer reports that he grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and a mesh top. And then ducked into a dressing room—and began rapping. He emerged in his new garb and told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home and paying with “MONEY.” Joaquin then rushed out of the store wearing his velvet cape, and dumped his old clothes in the nearest trashcan.

Mystery solved. It is now clear to me that Joaquin Phoenix is not crazy or playing a part—he is, in fact, a superhero. Fact: Superheroes wear capes. Fact: Superheroes are uncomfortable in their normal, human personae and often try to keep low profiles. This explains Joaquin’s excruciating appearance on “Letterman,” the dark glasses and the beard. Fact: Superheroes often need a place to make a quick change before going on a mission. Joaquin’s choice? The RED BALLS dressing room. When saving the world is on your agenda, throwing clothes in a trashcan is acceptable. He paid for the clothes with MONEY so as to appear normal, once again attempting to keep secret his superhero identity. Fact: Superheroes have special powers. Joaquin’s is rapping. He will save the world by rapping.

Joaquin Phoenix, I am on to you … and I will be watching. [Celebitchy]